


I'd start a war for you

by Juulna



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Background Poe Dameron/Finn/Jessika Pava, Canon Compliant, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Getting Together, How the Resistance conquers the First Order, Kylo switches sides but stays to defeat the First Order, Mind Control, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, On Hiatus, Post-Canon, Pregnancy, Propaganda, Protective Kylo Ren, Protective Rey, Spy!Ben, Spy!Kylo, War, post-TFA, they don't start off together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2018-10-17 06:50:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10588686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juulna/pseuds/Juulna
Summary: “Fellow Resistance members,” Rey said proudly. “Today is a day of joy for me. I know many of you have gone on this journey with me, step by step through my pregnancy, excited and filled with hope at the coming of another Jedi -- at a new generation coming, providing a light in the darkness, and the hope of a future for us all. My child… my child has become a symbol, but she’s more than that. She’s more than you would ever realize.”*In which Kylo Ren and Rey join together in an effort to defeat the First Order and bring peace to the galaxy, all for the sake of a child -- their child. Rey fights with the Resistance, but Kylo... well, Kylo is risking everything to stay exactly where he is. The story flips back and forth between the present and the past, showing how Rey saves Kylo Ren, how they get together and how they find love, and then how they take down their enemies together.* Disclaimed.





	1. Chapter 1

It was time.

Today was the day that would change the fate of the galaxy forever. The Resistance would rise, and the First Order would commence its crumbling descent into the depths of despair and defeat.

Today, Rey knew that she had done everything she could to make the galaxy a safer place, a better place, to raise her child in relative peace. She was confident in herself, in her actions, and proud of those who had risked their lives beside her in the effort to make all of this happen. She would never be able to thank them enough. Never.

Her daughter would be safe because of them.

That was something no mother could ever forget.

Rey sighed, lightly, a small smile gracing her lips as she gazed down at her child. She was three days old, small and soft and wrapped tightly in a blanket, held against her mother's chest.

"Are you sure you want to do this today?" Leia asked softly as she came into the room, moving towards Rey and touching her fingers gently against the small girl's forehead.

Rey nodded. "I'm sure." There was nothing that could stop her from doing this today. Nothing.

"Are you strong enough, Rey?" Leia probed, and the tone in her voice caused Rey's eyes to lock with the older woman's.

She cared. And that was still unusual for Rey. No matter how much care had been shown to her in the last four years, she was still not used to other beings expressing concern, care… and even love to her.

"I am. Enough for this at least," Rey replied insistently. She held Leia's gaze, showing her every ounce of conviction she felt for the cause. Leia broke the stare first, giving Rey a twitch of her lips before placing a kiss on Rey's cheek.

"Okay," she said as she placed her hand on the small of Rey's back. "Well, let's do this. Let's change the world." Suddenly, her face lost all expression, going blank, and her hand spasmed slightly where it rested against Rey.

Rey knew where her thoughts were going, and she was proven right when the general, the princess… _Leia_ … spoke. "Is he ready?"

Looking down at her daughter, wrapped in her arms, she smiled again. "He is," she replied firmly. "They're all ready. Every one. They just need the signal."

"Well," Leia said, then paused and let out a long breath before breathing deep again. "Let's go give them that signal. Everyone's waiting."

Rey always marveled at the change the older woman could achieve in her physical presence. She had a front for the Resistance - a strong woman, unwilling to give an inch to her enemies, never letting anyone see how she was affected by the war - and a front for her close friends… but then there was her true self. The one she only exposed to those closest to her. To Luke. To Chewbacca. _To Rey_.

Her eyes prickled at the thought - the thought that she had someone who considered her _family_ , and she them.

She had healed so much as a result of becoming closer with the brother and sister, the walls she had built on Jakku crumbling away bit by bit over the months, the years, that they had drawn her into their orbit.

"Let's go," Rey agreed finally, shaking herself from her musings.

She looked down at her child, brought her face closer for a kiss to the forehead, and smiled. Then she walked out the door behind the general - front fully in place - her soft purple maternity dress floating around her ankles. She lifted a hand to her hair, reassuring herself that it was secure in its braid, no loose strands floating around.

She was ready.

And so was everyone else.

The recording chamber was filled with members of the Resistance base. Some whom she knew only by sight, some who viewed her as a legend, and also many who viewed the child she had been carrying in her belly, and now in her arms, as a legend as well. The chosen one, perhaps, but at least something that carried hope of the future within her small body.

So much weight to put on a child's shoulders.

But it wasn't their fault. No, Rey knew what it felt like to have _hope_ , and would not begrudge them what helped them to get through the day.

Her friends were also there, sitting at a table just inside the door, and Rey bent slightly so that first Finn, then Poe, then Jessika, could place a kiss on her child's face, or tug gently at the little hand that had come unwrapped from her swaddling. She couldn't stay, however, and so simply offered them a small smile, a quick greeting, and an apologetic expression as she pulled herself and her child away.

It was so nice to have _friends_. Friends who understood her. Who gave her space and never probed too far when she didn't want to talk about her missions. Who understood that some people had and kept secrets, even from those they loved and respected.

Today… today she would reveal one of her secrets.

She hoped desperately that they would forgive her.

Suddenly Luke was at her elbow, metal hand touching her bare skin lightly as he guided her towards the chair set up in front of the holo-recorder. "Everything is ready," he whispered, his aura brushing lightly against hers and then withdrawing back into his contained shell. "We have the relays sliced and we have just under five minutes before they realize, so we better get started." He glanced around - not furtively, but cautiously - making sure that no one was nearby. "They think it's just going to be broadcast to the Resistance bases, but I had Artoo help me set it up earlier, so that when they hit the switch a few minutes ago, it would start the slice in the Order's main relay station."

He was actually grinning, happy to be causing trouble again, it seemed, and Rey let out a short huff of laughter. "Let's go mess with their heads, huh Luke?" she teased her master.

"Let's." His smile was infectious, and he left her smiling as she sat in her chair and he moved to stand behind her and to the right.

Leia quickly settled into place behind Rey's left shoulder, and she could feel Luke greeting his sister warmly through the Force.

The technician raised his hand, then announced, "Ready in ten seconds!" Everyone quieted down immediately, and his partner started the countdown.

A moment after one was called, the holo-recorder's indicator light came on, and they were live.

Rey took a deep breath, let it out, and then smiled down at her child. She didn't look at the camera as she began to speak.

"Fellow Resistance members," she said proudly. "Today is a day of joy for me. I know many of you have gone on this journey with me, step by step through my pregnancy, excited and filled with hope at the coming of another Jedi - at a new generation coming, providing a light in the darkness, and the hope of a _future_ for us all. My child… my child has become a symbol, but she's more than that. She's more than you would ever realize."

Rey paused, and looked up at the camera.

Now or never.

"This child will help to turn the tide of war. Not because of who her mother is. No. Not because of me," she said ruefully, finally looking up at the lens. Rey brought her daughter up to her face, nuzzling her cheek and angling her face towards the recorder. "She will help turn the tide of war because of the love her father has for her; because her father has fought long and hard to redeem himself, and his daughter - and me, I suppose..." She laughed, a sparkle in her eye and a tenderness in her voice at speaking of the man she loved, and who loved her desperately in turn.

She continued, her eyes firming and her posture growing more rigid, "Her father loves her more than anything, and will do everything he can to make the galaxy a safer place for her - as will I, have no doubts about that." She leaned forward, kissed her daughter's cheek, and then looked directly into the recorder again.

 _Now_.

Leia and Luke placed a hand on each of her shoulders, and Rey leaned back into the touch, her posture relaxing. They squeezed her shoulders, but didn't let go, reassuring her that they were there for her. That they would be there for her through _anything_.

And they had. Oh yes, they had. This was simply the beginning of the final act, where everything would come together with explosive finality.

It was time to reveal her secret.

"My brethren, my allies, my _friends_ ," Rey began shakily, but firmed her voice as she moved on, "Thank you for joining us in this name day celebration. It warms my heart that every last one of you wished to see this moment." She took a deep breath. "I present to you Breha Organa, daughter of myself, grand-daughter to Princess Leia Organa -" Rey could feel the room tense as people started to make the connection, "- and daughter to Ben Solo…" The room erupted in shock and even some anger. "... also known as Kylo Ren."

The previous clamoring immediately stopped as the light of the recorder cut off, and the entire room was on their feet, staring in shock, anger… and betrayal… at the four humans standing in the middle of the room, stoic in the face of what they knew would come.

Rey slowly got to her feet, cradling her child against her breast, and took a step forward. Leia and Luke stepped around the chair to flank her again.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," she said quietly into the empty silence of the room. She then turned on her heel, exiting the control center with the twins on her feet.

She didn't meet anyone's eyes, but her head was held high, and she regretted _nothing_.

If the galaxy's fate successfully turned on the fate of this carefully-planned mission, she would happily accept their scorn for the rest of her life.

As long as Breha was _safe_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to a completely new Reylo fic by yours truly! I'm not exactly sure how long this will be yet, but it will be at least a handful of chapters. Please review and let me know what you think. ^_^ (I mean, unless you just want to bash me, then please keep that to yourself. :P) Goodness, I really seem to like baby fics. Sorry this chapter was short but it just felt right to stop it there for now. Next chapter coming up... well, sometime. Thank you, everyone!
> 
> P.S. If I haven't gushed enough over my two beta readers and their own work, please go check them out! [Annaelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annaelle/pseuds/Annaelle) / [Perry_Downing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perry_Downing/pseuds/Perry_Downing)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, everyone, for showing such great interest in this story! It's helping me get back into the swing of writing; back into the groove. I know the chapters are short, but I'm actually quite enjoying this snapshot-like feel, much like how I wrote Delicious Ambiguity. It's a fun style to explore, and seems to work pretty well for me. I hope you're enjoying this still! Let me know. ^_^ Also, let me know if there's anything in particular you'd like to see. I've got a pretty decent outline for this already, but this style lends itself well to adding in random scenes. :) Thank you all!

_**Past** _

"Tell me about… about Ben," Rey requested finally, after weeks of leaving the subject alone.

There'd been no time for it in the wake of their victory after _Starkiller_ base was destroyed - that monstrosity of a genocidal weapon; an abomination. The weeks following had been filled with recovering resources, fixing or scrapping weapons and starfighters, all while moving the base elsewhere, now that the First Order knew where their base was located.

But no one had left D'Qar until Han Solo was laid to rest. Nobody wished to miss the chance to pay their respects to the legend who had lived amongst them; the one who had helped to restore peace - albeit briefly, in retrospect - to the galaxy, and who was married to their beloved general.

Now that Luke and Rey were settled into their own, separate, quarters at the Resistance's back-up base, Rey felt it was time to ask about the man who had killed the legend before her very eyes.

Luke, pulling a tattered and very old book from the highest shelf in the library's physical collection room, froze at her words, back still turned to her, and his arm still locked in place above his head. She could see him collect his thoughts before he breathed deeply, and replied back calmly - _too_ calm. "What would you like to know?"

Rey stared at his back, hoping that he would turn around and face her. After a few moments too long of awkward silence, she gave in and responded. "Everything. Who he was, who he became, his weaknesses and strengths… everything I need to know to defeat him."

Silence reverberated around them as Rey finished, until finally Luke turned around, tome forgotten in his hands, and looked Rey right in her eyes. "I'll start at the beginning, then, and assume you know nothing -" Rey huffed out a cynical little laugh at that. She definitely knew very little of what was going on. "- and fill you in on as much as I know."

"How much _do_ you know?" Rey inquired.

Luke's gaze pierced her in a way she was quickly becoming familiar with. "A lot. Too much. Sometimes not enough," he replied cryptically.

Rey resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Over the last three weeks, she and he had gotten along pretty well, but there were some things which already bothered her more than she would let on. She tried another tactic. " _How_ do you know so much about him? I mean, I understand you knew his… his father, but…"

Luke's gaze softened, taking on a sad cast as he looked at her. "Oh dear child, has no one told you?"

Rey immediately bristled, thinking she was being patronized. "Told me _what_?" she bit out, but then regretted it the instant the words passed her lips. But something in the way that Luke was holding himself stopped her from saying anything further - even to apologize.

She simply waited.

Luke finally shook himself from his musings, and settled himself comfortably in one of the chairs at the hardwood table. "He's my nephew. Ben Solo… _Kylo Ren_ , now… he's my nephew. Leia is my sister."

Rey simply stared at him, gobsmacked. "He _what_?"

"Well," Luke laughed bitterly. "I suppose we must truly start at the _very_ beginning of this saga, if you are to know everything you must to defeat the man."

Rey tried to interject - "Oh no, oh _stars_ no, I'm sorry, I knew but I forgot - I'll get someone else to tell me -" but Luke interrupted her before she could say much more.

"Settle, Rey. I know you'd just forgotten." He gave her a soft smile. "You've been through alot this last month, so it's only natural that some things slipped your mind, and even more natural that there were some things you put from yourself for peace of mind. No, sit. Settle. I will tell you, and no one else, for they know not the whole of the story. It will be between you and I, and no one else, the entirety of it all. You, because you must be the one to bring him home or kill him, and I, because I was the one who saw everything happen and only realized too late what it all meant. It is my burden to bear, that I lost my sister her son… and now, her husband."

"Luke -" Rey tried again.

"Hush, Rey, and listen. Close your eyes, and I will paint the clearest picture that I can with my words, and _Force_ , let that be enough to start you on your journey with the proper tools and knowledge."

Rey closed her eyes, breathing in once before letting it out slowly, just as Luke had shown her. Just as she had seen Luke show a young _Ben Solo_ , in memories that were not hers - memories she had gained when she had pushed back against her interrogator… No. Best not to think of that now.

"It started on a desert planet called Tatooine…" the older man began.

"Where you were born, Luke?" Rey couldn't help but to ask.

He laughed softly. "Yes, and no, young one. Yes, but that is not where I begin this story. I begin this story much further back, to when _my_ father was born. Mine and Leia's. A man named Anakin…"

* * *

_**Present** _

Ben Organa held himself perfectly still as he watched his daughter for the first time ever, held in the arms of his _Rey_ , and protected to either side by his mother and his uncle.

He was still because he knew that if he wasn't, he'd be caught unawares. So he breathed slowly, steadily, and drank in the sight of his _daughter_. _His_.

Those four on screen were the reason he was still alive, the reason he was still doing any of this, so far away from them, rather than by Rey's side in the days after giving birth to _their_ child. He wished fervently that he could snap his fingers and be with them just like that, in the blink of an eye, but he knew that it was impossible. He was doing this for them. He was seeing this charade through to its very end, all because of them. All _for them_ , but especially for his Breha.

There was nothing he wouldn't do for his precious child, even though he'd never laid eyes on her in person before now. Even still, she was known to him, had been known to his very soul through the Force that bound them, through his love to her, from the instant that he knew she existed within her mother's body. Even still, he could feel her within the Force if he just reached out a little bit...

Without her, he would have left the First Order months ago, when his mind had fully healed and his… his _mother_ had offered him hearth and home once again.

But no, by then he knew of her existence within her mother's womb, and he had vowed then and there that he would put everything to rights as much as he could, to the very last day, before reuniting with her mother, and seeing her for the very first time, holding her within his arms, and _never letting go…_

And so he had stayed. His knights had stayed with him, vowing to protect him and his own with their own strength, their own lives, side by side until the end, wreaking as much havoc as they could on their way out the door.

Taking as many of the enemy with them as they could, if that was what the Force demanded of them.

It was only right to correct the wrongs they had done, even if everything had been wrought by lies and deception… even if they had been molded through the Force just as much as Ben had.

It was time to exact their revenge.

Ben expected full-well to die today - as he had done so much to taint the Force, nevermind what he had done to make up for the fact, nevermind that someone else had made him into who he'd been for all those years. He expected to die, but he wouldn't give up without a fight.

He would go down swinging.

All for her.

For _them_.

And this was his signal. This was his knights' signal. His first glimpse of Breha, a last glimpse of Rey, thumbing their noses at Snoke, at the First Order, at _everyone_ … a first - and _last_ , perhaps - glimpse, just in case he didn't make it through.

A glimpse of what he was fighting for…

He dropped his helmet with a thunk to the ground beside him, casting off the trappings of war which he had worn for a cause he no longer believed in. No longer would he hide…

He grinned, slowly, as the holo feed cut out, and the general slowly turned towards him, his wide green eyes slowly narrowing in rage.

Across the bridge, he could see his second-in-command's fiery red hair whirl around her as she lashed out with her orange saberstaff in the first blow of the battle to come, sparks from the databank's console flying through the air.

He thumbed on his own lightsaber, and the bridge was immediately cast in a bright red glow - it was a fitting, poetic end, to bathe this saber with the blood of its old allies; those he had killed in the name of, before he had been healed. This would be its last battle.

He noticed that the general didn't even have to ask Ben if it were true - the man saw it, read it in his eyes, and simply _knew_.

Kylo Ren was no more.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, everyone, for your support with this story! It's been amazing. I read every review, comment, bookmark, kudos, favorite, follow, everything!! with a smile on my face. I will try to reply to everyone soon enough - I'm just a little slow as I don't want to inflame my hands. Thank you everyone... *loves*
> 
> Also, thank you Perry_Downing for stepping in and betaing on the fly last night, since Annaelle was on a business trip, after I was struck with random inspiration to finish this chapter yesterday afternoon. She updates (almost) every Monday with an amazing Reylo story called [Thwarted](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6831736/chapters/15593596). I'm so lucky to have her as my bestie.

_**Past** _

Their first encounter left her with a scar to match, but an even larger scar upon her mind - and her _heart_ \- when his guard was lowered for that _one_ second. She knew she was only seeing a hint of his pain, a hint of his desperation, much like on _Starkiller,_ but this was more specific, more visceral, more _real_ …

She closed her eyes tight, mouth gaping in a silent sob, and the only thing that saved her neck, saved her from death, was the fact that she was falling as he swung, catching the edge of her cheekbone and over her eyebrow into her scalp.

She opened her eyes, met his own panicked ones, and whispered: " _I see you."_

She collapsed in borrowed mental anguish, her blue saber the only light around her as the day turned to night on the planet they'd met upon.

Rey waited and waited and _waited_ for the red saber to fall upon her neck while she was defenseless and caught inside her - _his_ \- mind.

She only realized he had left, that he had stayed his hand, when the gentle arms of her master lifted her up and carried her away.

* * *

She didn't speak, couldn't speak, for _days_. Rey kept herself apart, and even her master gave her space, for the sight of him - and especially the sight of _his_ mother - made her sob and cry like the child she'd never had the privilege to be.

She only let the healer place her under bacta treatment for one day and one night before she had Finn sneak her out, bacta bandages in tow, and hid herself away. She'd only spared a single grateful glance in her friend's direction before she was gone.

Hunger eventually won out, and with a plain meal and plenty of water, Rey finally regained full control of her mind.

"Master?"

Luke turned to her from where he sat before a lit fireplace, and gently admonished, "You know that I am Luke to you now. Come in, sit." He only spared a passing glance at the faint scar that was still healing over her eye, and Rey wasn't sure if she was grateful or upset at the fact.

She did as he asked, though she hesitated before she fully settled into the plush seat. "I know you are, Mas- _Luke,_ but I… my mind is jumbled with memories not my own. _He_ called you that for a long time, and I am still struggling to wall his… his… thoughts?... away from my own." She breathed deeply, running her hands through her loosely flowing hair.

Luke waited patiently for the rest of what she wanted - _needed_ \- to say. After nearly a year with him, he had learned to read her well, and she him.

"There were… are… things in his mind that can't be real. Can't be true. There were dark tendrils connecting them, twisting some, and hiding others entirely from his view, but not from mine." She chanced a look at Luke, gauging his reaction to what she was getting at. As serene as ever, but the slight eyebrow raise and tilt of his head meant he was accepting what she was saying - so far.

"In that moment - that one moment we were connected and lost in his mind - I felt like I couldn't get out. I felt the tendrils and _pulled_ , unraveling one… It was a memory of him spinning apples in the air for his… for _Leia_ … and I could tell he hadn't seen that memory in years. Like it had never even _existed_ ," she breathed out on a horrified gasp. "I was frozen, Luke, and the Force only knows why he didn't kill me, but…"

"But you have hope," Luke finished for her, simply.

He met her eyes and smiled, and she could see the smile reaching his eyes, crinkling them in the corners, in a way they hadn't done in years, she assumed.

Rey smiled back, just the same, though her still-healing skin twinged a little at her wide grin.

"I have hope."

* * *

He was a mess, though outwardly no one would have been able to tell. His hair was not unkempt, his clothes were well-pressed, his flaring cape and long jacket hiding a variety of weapons placed strategically on his person. Even his boots were polished to a shine, and his face clean of any dirt. There was no mask - no, not this time, he would not _hide,_ he must prove he could control his expressions - but even if he'd had it with him, its chrome would have shone like nothing else.

No, Kylo was a mess inside.

And _she_ was to blame.

She had placed an image within his mind. A scene. One that played over and over; that he couldn't escape from. _She_ had done this to him; made him a complete wreck within himself. The smiling child - he _knew_ it was him, but he had _never_ been that happy as a child - floated four apples for his… for _that woman_ … and started them spinning above her head as she laughed with child-like glee along with him, clapping her hands excitedly and proudly. The scene would always end as soon as she turned her face towards him, her grin infectious, and said -

Nothing.

The scene always ended there.

He yearned to know what _that woman_ was about to say, all while wishing he had never seen the scene at all in the first place.

It must have been a fabrication. A _lie_ , placed there by the Resistance in order to lull him back, or maybe to weaken him, crack him, so that he could be snuffed out of existence as if he had never even existed at all.

A _lie_.

And yet he could not stop the scene from ravaging his mind. He maintained all outward control, even as internally he was crumbling bit by bit, every time that woman… that… that… his _mother_ turned her smile upon him, radiant as the sun that shone above them.

"To sector eighty-eleven, General," he said calmly.

Internally he railed.

* * *

Kylo encountered the little scavenger girl for the second time only two weeks after the first incident. It was a brief encounter where she was running up the ramp of the old _Millennium Falcon_ , her comrades already raising the ramp to escape the squadron of officers they'd run into in town.

A squadron led by Kylo Ren himself - outwardly in control, inwardly still crumbling.

Kylo could have cut her down; he'd had the chance. He had a grip on her booted foot, and she was trying to kick his hand away. But their eyes met, and all he could do, all he could say…

" _Please_."

He didn't know what he was pleading with her for.

His officers caught up to him, standing a few yards back in case he lashed out, and waited for his command.

They waited.

And waited.

By the time the sun set, the officers had returned to their lodgings at the word of their superior, and Kylo…

Kylo Ren was still staring off into the distance.

_Those four apples_...

* * *

She and Luke availed themselves of the library and the holonet - though only a small sampling of its previous archive had been added to it since it was rebuilt just under two decades ago. They searched, and when they weren't searching, they practiced.

Luke would no longer touch the dark side of the Force - " _Never again_ ," he'd said fiercely - and so Rey, monitored closely by the twins, would practice the technique Snoke must have used on a young Ben Solo, on the pair in alternating turns. Then she would attempt to unravel exactly what she had just done.

In order to destroy, you must first create.

* * *

"How young must he have been?" Rey mused aloud to Finn as Jessika Pava was cooking something on their chamber's stove top for them and their frequent guest, Rey.

"How young must who have been?" Poe asked flippantly as he casually walked into his quarters, dropping a kiss on Finn's cheek and gripping Rey's shoulder before moving past them to greet Jessika much the same he had Finn.

Rey froze.

So did Finn.

Poe only noticed when no one answered him, and he turned around to look at the two of them sitting, silent, at the table.

Rey and Finn were only too aware of what _Kylo Ren_ had done to Poe on board the _Finalizer_ , and had done quite a good job of avoiding talking about it for over eight months now. Jessika was giving them frantic eyes from behind Poe's back as the man walked slowly back towards the table.

" _Who_?" Poe growled, and it was the first time Rey had seen anything so fierce and angry from the charming pilot.

Finn placed a calming hand on the clothed arm of his partner, and only Rey's answer stopped Poe from shaking Finn's hand from off of him.

"Ben," she whispered.

No one said a word.

They simply waited, and watched, as Poe deflated, sinking into a chair that Jessika had placed there for the man as soon as she saw his legs start to buckle.

"What-" was all he could get out before the tears started to leak from the corners of his eyes. He breathed deep and then spoke, eyes downcast to the table. "He and I were friends when we were _really_ little. I first met him when I was five and my parents had thrown in with the senator. We were to protect her - to protect _him_ \- on the home world…" He wiped his forearm across his eyes and then looked Rey straight in hers. "We did our duty, but we couldn't protect him from himself."

Rey clasped his hand with both of hers. "But there are some things you can't even conceive of - some dangers you have no idea are there… He must have started to change at so young an age that no one noticed," Rey consoled. "You are _not to blame._ "

Poe let out a choked sound and then he was surrounded on all sides by Finn and Jessika, Rey squeezing his hand once more before she stood up slowly, mouthing ' _I'm sorry'_ to the cognizant pair whose gazes followed her from the room.

She saw in their eyes that they understood. She hadn't intended to hurt their Poe.

But Rey could also see she'd said too much. Luke and Leia were trying to keep what they now knew had happened to _Ben_ from becoming public knowledge, and here Rey was, nearly blabbing out the entirety of what they knew.

It wasn't the first time Rey resolved to keep something from her friends, the few she'd had… but it hurt the worst since these were the best she'd ever had.

And she would fight like a Jakku desert cat to protect what was hers.

* * *

_**Present** _

Leia had taken Breha into her arms, cooing at her in such a natural way that Rey had tears prickling at the corner of her eyes. Yet the tears were there for so much more…

"They will come around, young one," Luke consoled Rey. "You did what you must, and sometimes that necessitates keeping things from people we love. And I _know_ you love them very much, as do they you."

Rey tilted her head to rest on Luke's shoulder where they were sat in the window seat of Leia's office. They'd only been in there just under thirty minutes, and all Rey could focus on was the clamoring coming from the room just outside. "I know -"

Before she could get another word out, Jessika burst into the room, her eyes blazing and her hands fisted in anger. When she saw the three of them looking at her with startled eyes, she relaxed only slightly, her fingers unclenching as she took in the sight before her.

Jessika turned to Rey, ignoring both Luke and Leia, with little Breha asleep in her arms. "You… Rey." She deflated a little further. "They _knew_ this entire time. All three of us did."

Rey startled, her eyes widening. "I -"

"No, you listen," Jessika said vehemently. "We left you your space because we thought you had to keep the identity of the father a secret. The boys even suggested that they could claim to be the father, to _help_ you. But we let you be. We figured you'd tell us all in due time that you were carrying _Ben_ 's child. Of course you couldn't tell the Resistance - who knows what leaks we have, and even I can see that would have called into question what… what _Kylo… Ben?_ -" She scrunched her nose in confusion. "- so obviously now was doing. But _we knew_." She cut Rey off again before she could even ask how, Leia and Luke's eyes nearly as wide as Rey's now were.

"There were little things you were saying. Little hints. Clues. We're not oblivious, and you would sometimes talk in your sleep when you stayed over with us… We watched your back, made sure that everyone looked the other way by placing rumors to keep the mystery man, the mystery _father_ , a secret. To protect your reputation, even. But… Rey. _Rey_. We are your _friends_. We thought there was some bigger plan than a simple 'screw you' to the First Order. Obviously he was spying, we can make that connection plain as day now… but you could have _told us_. Keeping it a secret from us just for _this_? Just for a _show_ , and nothing more?"

Rey was on her feet by the end of her friend's spiel, steadying her shaking legs, and pulling Jessika into a hug, when shouting could be heard in the control room through the open doorway.

"Ma'am!" called out one of the techs, for Leia. "We're getting reports of star destroyers going dark, bases bombed, and even some of their fleet are in decaying orbits with everything down, from what our intel is giving us. And that's just in the last minute! It looks like a -"

Leia strode into the control room, all queenly grace, understated elegance, in her simple forest green gown. All eyes naturally gravitated towards her, silence spreading throughout the room as they were captivated by this warrior, proven time and again, carrying their hope for the future. Leia spoke into the ringing silence, all eyes on her and her grandchild, and finished the tech's cut-off sentence, her voice exultant as she stared down at the child in her arms. The child that helped to kindle this - " _Rebellion._ "


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

_**Past** _

A dark room.

A ship, humming with machinery.

Humming with the lives of tens of thousands through the Force.

A dark room.

A flicker of... _light_.

A quiet whimper.

* * *

He and Savat stood upon a hill above the battle, TIEs screaming far enough overhead that they could hear each other.

But neither spoke.

They watched as their ground troops pushed back against the Resistance terrorists, slowly rolling the latter back towards their outpost.

They hadn't been needed for this battle; not even to redirect troops to places where they would be better utilized. The troops had done well today. Soon, however, they would be called upon to look through the base; to take charge.

A twig snapping behind them had them both whirling around, his red saber and her orange saberstaff unclipped and unfurling light before their attack-ready postures.

Rey's wide eyes were zeroed in on Kylo's mask, twitching slightly as she tried to gauge exactly where his eyes were.

His eyes followed every twitch.

Savat took a step forward, placing herself slightly ahead of her commander. "Sir?" she questioned in her lilting alto.

Kylo had been silent too long. The three of them were standing still, waiting for one or the other to make a move. The two of them, he and his second, were powerful in the Force, and could have taken Rey on. It may not have been easy, but they could have.

"Master," Savat intoned again, her query this time a little sharper, a little harsher – even perhaps a little concerned. Her half-mask hid everything but her eyes, but even those were crinkling in consternation at Kylo's silence and stillness.

Kylo raised his saber another inch, took a step for—

Suddenly, he was on his knees, drowning in sensation. Cool, silky cloth brushing against his cheek, fresh grass filtering through his nostrils, then swiftly changing to woodsmoke from a fire.

Savat's angry shout brought his head up from where it had fallen forward to rest upon the ground. She had placed herself fully between Rey and his stricken form, saberstaff locked against the younger woman's blue one.

And then—

Then Savat was on her knees, just as he was, pulled into another memory. _His_ memory.

But she wasn't supposed to be there.

He _knew_ , just as she did, that she didn't belong there, and yet still there she was…

...watching him spin those four apples, watching him laugh alongside his mother, watching as she turned towards him with her blazing smile, her shining eyes… watching as she reached forward and touched her fingers to his cheek… And then she spoke, her words ringing like a bell, resounding through both their minds:

_"Oh Ben, you have your father's smile…"_

"...and my expressive eyes."

Kylo came to, whispering the words of his mother, helmet cast away from him and saber deactivated beside him. He lifted his head and met the warm brown eyes of the older Knight of Ren. His eyes were wide, scared at what she had seen. Scared that she would go running to Snoke, running to another Knight, or running him _through_ for the thoughts which betrayed him.

Instead, her eyes were sympathetic… _understanding_. "Oh Kylo…"

He hung his head, shoulders quavering, after realizing that the girl was gone. Savat placed a bare hand on the back of his neck, her fingers curling in his hair reassuringly.

"What happened to you…"

"What happened to _us_?" Kylo whispered.

* * *

"What did you do to him?" Savat growled at the brown-haired girl. She had her knife pressed up against the jugular of the girl, who had gone absolutely still.

"Truth," the girl – Rey, she knew her name was – replied.

Savat drove her knee into the small of the girl's back, forcing her to the ground carefully so as not to unintentionally slice open Rey's vein – Savat hadn't gotten to where she was without being careful. She might be the enemy, but that didn't mean she couldn't still be useful.

She knew to keep a close eye on this one, though. She had bested even her Master in combat. At the moment, however, Rey was cooperating. Calm.

_Too calm_ , whispered a part of Savat's mind.

But she shoved that part aside, instead choosing to listen to the cool logic she had always relied upon over the years. The girl had had chances, time and again, apparently, to strike Kylo down. Instead, she had chosen to leave him alive, even where Savat would have let no enemy live. She didn't appear _stupid_ , so perhaps there was another reason…

"You knew I was here, and yet you still allowed me to come up behind you – why?" she asked.

"I…" And now there was hesitancy in the girl's voice. "I don't really have a good reason," she admitted.

Savat was quiet another long moment as she chased after a thought that was trying to hide within her own mind. Finally, "Who was that in my Master's mind? The vision. The one with the apples."

"His mother," came the succinct reply.

"Impossible!" Savat barked out, and yet… And yet. "His mother cast him out. She did not love him." But even she could hear the unasked question in her words.

Rey sighed, her shoulders trembling on the exhale. And then, within an instant, Savat was sucked into a vision.

The girl! The girl must have—

_Oh_.

Oh.

There was a boy – a small baby boy with a shock of red hair upon his scalp much the same color as Savat's – being bounced upon a smiling blond man's knee. His name… the boy's name…

Her boy's name was _Movyn_.

And he was her boy, as sure as she knew her own na—

"Fyora!" the man called out to her, giving her a little wink before turning back to their boy. "You'll never guess—"

" _No_!" Savat wrenched herself out of the vision, blade clattering to the ground as she brought both hands up to scrabble at her chest. She couldn't get rid of the feeling inside of her – she couldn't _escape_ —

Suddenly she felt hands upon her head and she realized that her cheek was pressed against the abdomen of the girl – of Rey. For surely this was _Rey_ – the one who was whispering to her, telling her that everything would be okay, if she just _breathed_ – and not the girl.

She knew, deep inside her, that everything she had seen was the truth – and finally understood what she had meant when Rey had told her she'd shown Kylo the truth.

"Is none of it real?" she whispered bleakly, feeling the new memory like a jagged edge, ripping against everything else within her mind.

Rey simply held onto her more tightly, carding one hand through Savat's mane, and unhooking her half-mask from behind her ears.

"Show me more," Savat mumbled into Rey's shirt.

"Are you sure?" whispered Rey, never ceasing her motions.

Savat simply held on harder.

Within moments it was all she could do not to scream – and then even that was taken away as her memories ran slick with blood.

She had her past back, never having known it was lost, and Savat knew she could never be Fyora again while the blood of her family – of her _sweet_ _boy_ – was upon her skin.

* * *

_**Present** _

He fought hard. He fought for Ben. He fought for Rey, and even for little Breha. But most importantly, he fought for his own family. Their whispered words of love and adoration when they found out he was alive, was free of Snoke's rapture, were enough to see him through. He wouldn't have known they were still alive, or even where they were, if it hadn't been for Kylo… _Ben_ … and if it hadn't been for Rey.

Oltyn Ren fought… and he _smiled_.

* * *

She couldn't reach the charges in time. There were too many of her foes – her former _allies_ – between her and them, and she did not have the Force to assist her – not like her Master, no, but he had never treated her as lesser… Never.

For that, and for more than she could ever repay, she raced towards the engine room instead. If she couldn't reach the charges in the weapons room, she would set the star destroyer adrift.

For the chances he gave her, the home that was wherever her Knightly brethren were… Nova Ren checked her weapons… and ran as fast as she could to the engines.

* * *

The corridors were completely consumed in darkness, yet he and his partner were able to navigate them by memory.

There was no one ahead of them, and now, with the last gasp of their former bond-brother… now there was no one behind them.

He and his bond-sister were now without half of their souls, it felt like – yet it had been _necessary_ for them to sever the close ties which had bound their small family together.

Their bond-brothers, family in all but blood, more than the other Knights had ever been, had not needed the shadowed shackles of false memory to sway them to Snoke's side. When he and his bond-sister had been freed from their own minds, and their brothers had… not… they'd always known that this day would come.

Mathas and Kara Ren moved forward, clothes whispering in the darkness, grief wrapped around them like a shroud.

It had been _necessary_ – yet that didn't mean it didn't already hurt.

* * *

She grimaced as a Stormtrooper scored a glancing blow on her calf. That was the third one in as many minutes, though she had lasted a while before the first hit was dealt. The calf, however… she was the walking dead at this point, if her brother didn't show up within the next – she ducked a blast by barely an inch – _minute_.

She screamed as she kicked the 'trooper into an officer, and then threw the both of them down the hallway and into the command center of the outpost.

"Stupid! Fucking! _Asshole_!" she yelled out her rage.

"Who – me?" came a voice, and she nearly sagged at the sound. "You trying to escape me already, dearest sister?" Her twin brother affected an aggrieved tone. "And after we were only just reunited!"

"Can it, Naseer," Anath Ren sighed, though she couldn't help but to let out an exaggerated sigh. "Unless you wish to join our dear officer over yonder."

Naseer Ren could only laugh as they fought side by side – she, however, chose not to point out the manic edge to it.

* * *

The light was fading, and darkness filling her vision.

She could hear footsteps coming up to her, thumping along with the pounding of her heart in her ears. She tilted her head in the other direction, resting her ear on the cool metallic surface of the deck, and smiled as she saw that her mission was not a failure after all.

The flames were approaching at a rapid pace – she had brought destruction to the _Tenacious_ , and soon… soon she would be with her family.

Cisley Ren closed her eyes, and felt the heat rush towards her.

* * *

"He knew you would not be trustworthy," a voice said calmly behind him.

Uhur Ren.

Without turning around, without taking his eyes off the readings in front of him, the ones that showed the collapse of everything Supreme Leader Snoke had built, Yuy Ren spoke into the silence that followed the pronouncement. "I am loyal to the Supreme Leader, Uhur."

"I am not speaking of Snoke the _betrayer_ , Yuy," Uhur replied serenely.

Yuy stiffened, but before he could turn around, he felt a searing pain in his chest. As he collapsed, he could just make out the sound of the doors opening… and then shutting.

There was silence once again.

And then there was nothing at all.

* * *

She snarled.

Her eyes narrowed on the dark-haired general, who had been able to overcome her far quicker than she'd expected, and then she spat upon his face.

She snarled again, and then she let it turn upwards into a vicious smile as the man's face reddened in anger.

She laughed when he slapped her, just to spite him.

Perhaps she wasn't getting out of this in one piece, after all, but she had tied up all of her loose ends when her memories – oh, her _precious_ memories – had been returned to her. How had she ever lived without them?

She had made peace with her life, with the injustices done to her… done by her… and had set aside a trust for her daughter. For the daughter she hadn't known was still alive, a decade after she had been taken.

Maker forbid her daughter ever found out who her biological mother was… but if she did, she would know that Jalana Ola… that Jalana _Ren_ … had paid for her sins threefold.

That her _mother_ – she would _always_ be her mother through the Force, by the Maker – had died to make the world a safer, happier, better, more fair place… for _her_.

* * *

Rey hunched over, her shoulders shaking with the force of the sobs wracking her body. Luke gathered her into his arms, pressing her face into his chest as his metal hand ran continuously over her hair, and the other held her tightly – reassuringly.

She felt Luke move after endless seconds of pain left her quivering, her mental shields shredded and disarrayed, and then there was—

—there was Breha, being pushed up against her mother's chest, and Leia's arms supporting Rey's as she wrapped the younger woman's around her grandchild.

" _Breha_ ," she breathed, inhaling the calming scent of her child, and shuddering as she released the immediate terror within her.

She had _never_ asked these souls to die for her daughter. Rey would never do that. And yet… and yet every last one, whether they be on a ship or at an outpost, or even on escort detail…

…every last one of the Knights she… _they_ … had trusted to be saved from the morass made of their minds by Snoke…

Every last one had volunteered to go once more into the darkness, to bring light and life, revenge and retribution, terror and truth…

For _Breha_ , and everything she represented.

For _their_ family, _their_ children, whether alive or dead.

All this, and more… for the _future_.

* * *

Ben Organa fluttered his eyes shut, threw a thought and a prayer into the darkness of space and the Force all around him – and _breathed_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a fun little thing on my Tumblr (@juuls) and invited people to create their own Knights of Ren for this! I didn't and won't stick exactly to what I was told for the characters, as that won't really work, but I tried to make them fit with my already-existing script as best I can!
> 
> As always, Savat Ren/Fyora is my own. (As are Yuy, Mathas, and Oltyn Ren.)
> 
> Jalana Ren is the property of @thedarkside-and-thelight / MissHarper  
> Anath and Naseer Ren are the property of @cuthian / Annaelle  
> Cisley Ren is the property of @grlie-girl /grliegirl  
> Uhur Ren is the property of @chaoticsentiments  
> Kara Ren is the property of @tenderhearthufflepuff  
> Nova Ren is the property of @ns0241
> 
> We will see more of these Knights of Ren in upcoming chapters! Though of course the main story will focus on our dear parental couple. ;)
> 
> Thank you everyone! And thanks so much for everyone's love, support, and patience while I visited my dear @perrydowning in Cali! I had a blast, and she's simply awesome. <3


	5. Chapter 5

_**Past** _

Rey was staring blankly into the distance.

She was doing that a lot of late.

Luke sighed, and shook his head just enough for his sister to catch. Rey was not with them, today. She was lost in her mind, blanked in the Force to him and to Leia.

He knew where her thoughts lay.

All of their minds were turned towards Kylo Ren – towards Ben.

Towards getting him  _back_.

And Rey was their best chance.

* * *

She stood on a precipice, looking down into the darkness below. It reminded her of  _Starkiller_ ; of the chasms that had opened up at her feet; the chasms she couldn't afford to look into.

And yet, even having never looked directly into those chasms splitting the icy planet apart; even having lost her fear of heights after years of plundering ruined star destroyers… those chasms had haunted her memories.

They had been Kylo's memories, however. But they were now hers, to be shared.

 _He_  had been scared of the chasms – fear coursing within him even as he fought her through his pain – and now she was left with the dual sensations of  _fear_  and  _not fear_  as she peered down into the ravine at her feet.

She couldn't see the bottom.

And this was where he found her.

There was a sudden stillness behind her. A quietness. Unnatural quiet.

She didn't turn around.

Suddenly, there was a rush of air, moving towards her – a body falling as it was pushed in her direction – and she turned, gripped the body tight in her arms, right around the torso…

…and pushed them over the cliff's edge, down into the darkness below.

As they fell, Rey pushed her mind against the blank wall of terror that was falling with her, and showed him exactly what he needed to see.

* * *

Luke, watching with delight and joy as his young nephew threw himself off the top of the cliff his uncle was standing across from. Feeling exhilarated, just from watching, as the young man arced himself into a graceful dive, closed his eyes, and  _trusted_  in the Force to guide him between the rocks waiting at the base, surrounding a deep pool of cool mountain water.

Luke could  _feel_  the happiness, the thrill, the  _oneness_  with the Force that young Ben was experiencing. Ben was an open book; had always been. And his uncle loved him for it.

 _Love_.

* * *

Rey could feel the moment Luke's memory shoved against a tendril of darkness, snaring it and then pulling it out and away from Kylo Ren's mind.

"Hold on!" Kylo shouted instinctively – immediately.

Rey gasped with wonder as she felt the Force hone in on them in a way she had never experienced before, and she barely had enough time to clutch onto the man she had propelled off of the cliff in an act of desperation before they hit the water at the bottom of the chasm.

"It  _worked_ ," Rey gasped out as soon as she was able to spit water from out of her mouth.

And then Kylo Ren was upon her once more, one gloved hand gripping her jaw tightly as the other one pressed her more tightly against his body, legs twining with hers as he tread water with enough force to keep them both afloat.

"What was that?" he hissed into her face.

Rey could only grin at him, though her smile faltered slightly as his grip tightened.

Kylo growled at her, then looked around. He started to swim towards the shore, dragging Rey along with him. She let him pull her, trying to appear unintimidating, and then could only lay there smiling up at the darkness above them.

It had been a  _long_  fall.

She wasn't even sure how they'd get up, but maybe Savat would have an idea. Rey  _had_  told her what she'd intended to do, but had sort of… not planned the rest.

Rey honestly hadn't been sure what reaction she'd get from Kylo when she tossed them off of the cliff. But she'd had no better idea, and had figured she shouldn't wait any longer. Her friends deserved the chance to live their lives together – she was worried along with Jessika and Finn about Poe, and the effect the war… the effect of the cascade Kylo Ren had set off in the charming pilot's mind.

Too many people had died for this  _stupid war_.

"It's not a stupid war," Kylo ground out to her left.

Oh yeah…  _him_.

Rey gathered herself, preparing…

…and then launched herself on top of him, knees to either side of his ribs, and her bare hands wrapped tightly around his temples. She set her forehead against his before he could even protest – did he really want to? Rey thought – and then pulled the Force towards her.

It was harder than she had expected it to be – but then again, she wasn't practicing on her friends anymore. No, this was a real person. A real threat. Someone who used the Darkness, and whose mind was a minefield littered with traps that would hurt the host just as much as the attacker.

So Rey started small.

At least… it was a small memory. One of hers.

But it had a devastating power.

* * *

"I forgive him," Leia choked out as she clutched at Rey's shoulders, wrapped around the smaller girl.

They were sat before a crackling fire, and the silence that followed the pronouncement was punctuated by a  _pop_  and then a splintering of wood as the fire shifted and worked its way through the log.

" _I forgive him, Rey_ ," Leia sobbed, shoving her face into Rey's hair. "He's my  _son_  – how could I  _not_? After everything that was done to him… Oh Rey, what do we  _do_?"

Rey shushed the general – her  _friend_  – and whispered the only thing she could… and she  _believed_  the words with every fiber of her being.

"We save him. We  _take him back_."

* * *

Kylo gasped, his eyes widening, and he opened his mouth to—

This time he pulled Rey into his mind.

* * *

He'd just finished crafting his own lightsaber, and he was staring in awe at the yellow beam, perfect and steady in his hands.

"It's so…" he started, but couldn't find the right word to describe what he was feeling.

"Right," his uncle interrupted him, coming into the forest clearing and sweeping his hood back from his head.

Ben stopped to ponder the word for a moment, reaching deep within him.

His uncle was correct – he felt a great sense of  _rightness_  within him. A feeling of being at peace and in tune with the galaxy as he held the blade in his hand, his senses attuned to the ebb and flow of the blade as it pulsed along with the Force surrounding them.

 _Beautiful_.

* * *

"What… what is happening?" Kylo choked out, trying to curl onto his side. But Rey wouldn't let him.

Instead Kylo threw her off of him with the Force, and her head cracked soundly against the cliff face behind her.

She was dazed, and it took her a few seconds to focus her eyes – seconds she didn't have, as Kylo was once again in her face, pushing her up against the cliff with a hand wrapped around her throat and murder in his gaze.

She did the only thing she knew how to do in that moment – the skill which had become instinctual over the last year…

Rey  _pushed_  her mind against his, ripping at the knots of darkness covering his memories in the hope that she would be able to get through to him before he choked the life from her.

Memory after memory flew past her, some too fast to catch, and others so  _raw_  that they took her breath away nearly as much as the hand gripping her throat.

* * *

A rough hand gripping his cheek, angling his face from side to side—

* * *

The apples, spinning, always spinning—

* * *

"I love you, my darling boy, my darling prince. My boy, my  _boy_ …" A gentle hand on his hair. A brush of lips on his forehead. A blanket pulled past his shoulders.

 _Warmth and love_.

* * *

"They hate you."

"They despise you. They do not respect your powers."

"They cannot acknowledge the side of you that has darkness in you, boy."

"They should accept your  _all_."

* * *

Luke, handing him a dog-eared physical copy of the history of the Rebellion. "Here, I thought you might enjoy seeing an outside perspective on how awesome your mother and I were." He winked at Ben, mirth tugging at his mouth.

* * *

Kylo let tears escape as he realized that everything Snoke had told him had been a  _lie_. That nearly every  _memory_  he'd held had been a lie.

Yet his grip on Rey's throat never lessened, even as he and she were pulled into another memory.

* * *

Family dinners were a common occurrence in the Skywalker-Organa-Solo household, but they never got old. There was almost always someone, or more than one someone, invited to partake in the meals with the senator, the Jedi, and her family.

There was always light and laughter.

 _Always_.

* * *

Poe grinned at him from the pilot's seat. Ben sat back in the co-pilot's seat, and then met Poe's grin with one of his own.

"Let's do that again!" Ben breathed.

* * *

The sensation of falling, the wind whipping his hair back as he pulled the Force towards him, wrapping it around his mind and body, his vision narrowing on the exact spot he needed his body to hit in the water below him. Exhilaration filled him, and happiness suffused him, as his hands sliced through the water first, his body following right behind.

He loved diving. He didn't know why, but it felt like he had always loved it.

Always  _loved_.

* * *

The sadness and anger warring within his mother's eyes as he watched the first holo released by the Resistance since Kylo had joined Snoke.

What would it take to break that woman?

* * *

The scent of burned flesh, charred clothing, and the taste of coppery blood filling his mouth.

His first kill had been a success.

But now… now Kylo knew that the man hadn't been a threat. He had only been a minor nuisance to Snoke; someone perfect to test his new apprentice.

A  _lie_.

* * *

His father smiled up at him, and then stood up, his eyes level with those of his teenaged son.

"You ready to round up some rathtars with me, Ben?" Han asked, excitement swirling in his eyes.

"Sure am, old man," Ben answered in the same cocky tone.

They smiled at each other.

They  _loved_.

* * *

The sensation of his lightsaber activating, pushing back against him slightly even as it shot through the flesh and bone in its path.

Kylo watched the body of his father fall, impassive.

And then Ben burst through – for a moment, just a moment – and stared blankly in horror at what he had done.

Then Kylo pushed Ben down, dropped to one knee as he was shot with a bowcaster, and Ben wasn't heard from again.

He did not care that his father was dead. In fact, he was glad of it. The man had been nothing but a two-bit mercenary who cared nothing for his son—

 _No. That was a lie,_  whispered in the back of his mind.

* * *

And there were more memories which had been lost to him. There were more lies. Lie upon lie upon half-truth upon falsified data upon blatant mind control that wiped out everything except what Snoke wanted him to think.

Wanted him to  _believe_ , until Kylo was an automaton of hate who was no longer in need of being controlled. His memories had been altered so much to the point that Kylo had been the perfect vessel of propaganda and control and intimidation.

He was everything that Snoke wanted him to be.

And everything that Ben had never wanted to be.

Little Jedi Ben, with his grand ideals for peace and democracy and an end to tyranny in the galaxy.

Rey cried for  _who Ben could have been_. For everything that was lost because this grand puppeteer had sunk his claws into a young man who was the opposite of everything the First Order and Snoke stood for.

And that made Ben the perfect vessel. For what greater victory could there be than to turn the epitome of light and rebirth and  _hope for the future_  into a proponent and symbol of control and order and  _empire_?

It was a coup de grace for Snoke.

Everything he could have ever wanted.

Rey tried to push the good things she had learned about Kylo – about  _Ben_  – towards him as her vision narrowed and her breaths became harder and harder to take. But there was no overtaking the horror that was Kylo's mind—

No. It was  _Ben's_  mind now, and Rey could sense the horror within him as he watched how his life had been overtaken by this shadow; how he had been controlled from within and  _changed_  not just because of his skills with the Force… but also because of who he was.

He had been a pawn.

And he had been a pawn who had killed and murdered indiscriminately whenever and wherever his master pointed.

Rey lost consciousness at the same time as Ben – she had  _won_ , she told herself faintly – realized the depth of what had happened to him.

He had been  _used_.

* * *

Rey woke – and wasn't  _that_  a surprise… she hadn't expected to live past this day – with a body curled around her protectively.

They were still on the shore of the river at the bottom of the chasm, and it had only gotten colder, especially in her wet clothes.

She could see Kylo was shivering from where his chest was pressed against her head. His eyes were closed, and his breathing shaky and slow – but he was awake.

"What was that?" he whispered hoarsely.

"Ben?" she whispered back, unable to answer him until she  _knew_.

There was silence, only silence. Even Rey's teeth had stopped chattering – she had stopped  _breathing_  – while she awaited his response.

"Yes," he finally breathed out, barely audible.

She tilted her head back to look into his face. The man was looking down at her, his eyes weary and  _wary_  as they caught her gaze. They had softened, his eyes, and even though they were still expressing slight distrust for the woman in his arms… there was a  _lightness_  within them.

And then he hid his face within her tangled hair, and clutched her tightly against him.

Rey reached her free hand up and brushed his hair back from his temple, his ears. "Shh… it's okay," she soothed. Her mind brushed against his, and sensed the dark tendrils receding ever more from within him.

He was Ben once more, even if he was a Ben who couldn't wrap his mind and  _heart_  around what he had done as Kylo Ren. As the  _lapdog_  to the evil he had once stood so strongly against, even if then he had not known the name the evil had taken.

 _Snoke_.

Rey pushed her hand into Ben's hair, brushing his hair back with firm and soothing strokes. "You're welcome home at  _any_  time…  _Ben_." Her breath hitched on his name as he held her more tightly to him. She hummed against his chest before she continued. "They forgive you. You saw that. You know it's  _true_." And she pushed the memory against his mind once more. "Your mother wants you home. If this worked. It  _did_  work," she breathed reverently, taking a moment to revel in the fact that their plan had worked.

"But… everything I – he –  _I did_ …" Ben gasped on a sob. "How could I have  _done_  that?"

" _You_  didn't," Rey bit out, harsher than intended. She rolled onto her back and dragged the larger man with her, pulling his head against her shoulder and neck, her arms wrapped around him as best she could. " _Kylo Ren_  was a creation. A puppet made by his master into someone you never wanted to be. Someone who you  _aren't_. It was  _Snoke_  who killed all those people. You were his tool. His sword. Kylo Ren killed, but it was him who had his hand upon the hilt."

She paused, mustering the Force around her, and then wrapping its comfort around Ben as she spoke her next words. "Kylo Ren is dead now. He is  _dead_. Do you hear me?" She shook him lightly, then wrapped her arms more tightly around him. "Your mother wants you back. You can come back. You know that, right?"

They lapsed into silence, Rey giving him time to wrap his mind around her words. She sunk into the sensations of holding his warm body in her arms, his strong frame seeming smaller than it had before and shaking slightly. But he was  _warm_  and the Force was cradling the both of them tightly together, drawing their minds and energies against each other, and soothing them as one.

She liked the feeling.

"I can't," Ben said suddenly.

Rey didn't say a word.

"I can't," he continued after a moment. "I want to come back, I really do – but I  _need_  to right the wrongs I committed."

"It wasn't  _you_ ," she interjected vehemently.

"But it was!" he cut her off. "It was me. My body. My mind, even if it was controlled."

She was silent again, trying to push her calmness into him.

He settled himself against her, then pulled her with him as he turned over and propped his back up against the cliff face, with Rey curled against his side and under his arm.

They couldn't stop touching each other. There was comfort in touch; something neither of them had had in a long time – or at least not much of.

And they needed this comfort, with all of the memories still spinning in both of their minds.

Ben held her tighter against him, wrapping his other arm around her.

"I need to take him down. It needs to be  _me_ ," he whispered against the crown of her head, his breath stirring the drying strands of her hair.

Rey could understand revenge.

She nodded against his shoulder, and said simply, "Okay."

Only then did Kylo –  _Ben_  – relax and rest his head upon hers fully. His whole body went lax. "Okay," he repeated. "Okay. Good."

His breaths slowed, and soon he was asleep.

* * *

Later, Rey woke as Savat brushed her mind against hers. Opening her eyes, she could see the question in the woman's eyes as she stared at the man she had trained who was wrapped around Rey, still propped against the cliff face.

"He just needs a little time," Rey mouthed.

Savat nodded, and then jerked her chin towards a set of packs beside them.

"Will he know? That you have your memories back?" Rey asked, raising her voice only slightly from the bare whisper from before.

Savat shook her head, then tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear. "I've been called to see him since, and he never even checked. I do not remember him ever doing so before, either. He's too arrogant. Believes that he has everyone wrapped up so tightly that they won't ever be able to escape his… his…"

"Rapture," Rey filled in, meeting Savat's eyes. "It's what we've taken to calling it."

"Rapture." Savat mouthed the word as if she were trying to taste it.

"It works."

"So it does," the other woman agreed. She changed topics swiftly as she stood up. "He has a few days, and then he'll be expected back. I left the details on datachips in the packs." She looked down upon the sleeping man. "Make sure he can keep it together." Her features softened. "It really hits hard, seeing what your life truly was before he warped everything. Before he hid the things we did, or gave them new meaning."

Rey remembered the borrowed memory of Savat's son, bouncing and smiling at her… and then the red blood that had coated her hands.

"I'll be sure," she whispered.

* * *

_**Present** _

"You  _traitor_ ," General Hux hissed towards him. His face scrunched up in anger, and then he spat out, "Encasement protocol activate, Alpha-Echo-Four-Two-Six," in quick succession.

Ben reached forward with the Force, grasping towards the general's mind. It was there, a dark tomb, but filled with clear thoughts, none of them warped by Snoke's rapture. The man was simply rotten to the core, ambition and power-hungriness and  _pleasure_  at seeing others suffer filling his mind. An upbringing of imperial indoctrination and power games, tests of skill, leadership from a young age… they lay the core, and then everything else slotted easily into place in Snoke's hierarchy. He was perfect for the cause.

He was everything that Ben stood against.

He leapt forward, igniting his saber and reaching for the Force – only to feel it slip from his grasp.

Ben pulled up short, startled, and the other man let a pleased smile slowly take over his smug features.

Behind Hux, Ben could see the shimmering edge of a barrier around the bridge, brushing against the windows.

He caught Savat's gaze above her half-mask as she finally reached his side, and she nodded an affirmation.

Without the Force, their sabers would be less effective, especially against the blasters that were quickly being trained on them. More than a couple dozen, all officers who had received mandatory training in marksmanship.

They had not accounted for this.

And now they would suffer the consequences.

Ben and Savat powered down their sabers at the same time, she reaching for her own blaster as she ran for cover alongside him, and he flexing his fingers in his gloves, preparing to put the hundreds of hours of training he'd had with hand-to-hand to good use.

They reached one of the lowered portions of the bridge, diving into it just before the shooting started.

Improvisation had worked for them before, and they were used to different combat situations.

Savat reached a quickly-freed hand towards Ben and squeezed his shoulder. "I will do everything in my power so that you may see your daughter, Ben."

He believed her.

He prayed – to whoever would listen, Maker, the Force, to  _anything_  – that the promise wouldn't end in her death. He prayed for them both to survive.

And then Ben Organa set his jaw, cracked his knuckles, and nodded at Savat. Not Savat Ren – simply  _Savat_  now.

They would both protect each other.

And they would both get out of this  _alive_.

Ben did not need to pray. No, there was nothing that could help them now.

Nothing except themselves.

* * *

Rey gasped as the beacon for the  _Finalizer_ went dark on the map projection lighting up the middle of the room.

Breha started to cry, her wailing lost in the chaos around them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter is a little convoluted! It's hard to denote memories when you don't want to use italics, but I hope that it was understandable to you, at least!
> 
> I'm also still pretty choppy with writing these days since I haven't been doing it as often. But hopefully I can get back into the swing of things! :)
> 
> Also, I started an a/b/o fic called Haze if anyone is interested in that sort of thing. o.o
> 
> Thank you to everyone who helped provide support when I left my husband last week and as I drove over 1600 miles back to my family home with my puppy. It was hard, so hard, but you all helped me do it. Thank you so much.
> 
> Thank you Perry Downing and Annaelle for the quick beta! Yes, Annaelle, once you love Bucky, you start seeing (and writing) him everywhere. You just can't help it. I didn't even realize I was doing it until after I finished the chapter, hahaha. xoxo


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my darling [Annaelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annaelle/pseuds/Annaelle/works?fandom_id=5407051) for spending time with me on this difficult chapter today, wrangling it together. I finished this last night, but I've been puttering around with it today as I worried it was going a little fast, but I'm pretty happy with it now! So sorry for getting it to you after work and all that, haha. xD I know some prefer that. But hopefully you enjoy this! Up tomorrow, I believe, will be a new chapter for [Mitzvah](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10610625/chapters/23463033), which I updated last week after War's chapter 5! I know, it's been forever, eh?
> 
> xoxo,  
> Juuls

_**Future** _

"Rey…" her friends whispered as they wrapped her in their arms, pulling her and Breha to the edge of the chaos that was the war room in the aftermath of the  _Finalizer_ 's signal being lost.

They were the arms of those who loved her, and they comforted her even as they made her miss the arms she  _truly_  needed even more than those of Finn, Poe, and Jessika. Even Leia and Luke's arms as they pulled her against them, between them, weren't enough.

They just reminded her of what she might not ever have again. Of what this war might  _take_  from her – as it had taken so much already from her and Ben.

From  _everyone_ , whether they were here with the Resistance, or with the First Order, or the Knights of Ren, or anywhere within the galaxy.

War had touched everyone, whether they knew it or not.

She passed her daughter to Jessika and Finn as Poe moved to bark out orders to get their fighters into the air, into space. Luke and Leia pressed her tighter between them, sending her love and support through the Force, through their every action and touch and kiss upon her hair. She knew that they only had these few minutes – and even then it was too long, she acknowledged – together before they needed to return to their posts. Before they needed to return to their duty of doing what they could from their end.

To doing what they could to prevent as much loss of life as possible.

But she didn't know what they could do for Ben. She knew his gambit had been the riskiest of them all, but she had reluctantly agreed that General Hux had needed to be taken out directly. The man needed to be escorted right up to death's threshold and seen personally into the afterlife.

There was no other way to ensure the man was dead than for Ben to do it himself, and he  _needed_  to die so that they could finish the war resoundingly. But it was risky.  _So risky_ …

There was every possibility that this would result in Ben's death. But at least he had his second with him, and Rey  _knew_  that the woman would do everything in her power to bring Ben home to Rey, even if Savat had to finish the mission herself.

Hopefully… if Ben must die – or  _Savat_ , Maker forbid, Rey's mind whispered guiltily – then let it be worth it for Breha. Let it make a difference if Rey were never to see the man she  _loved_  so deeply again, or if Breha were never to grow up without her father. If he were to die, let his death  _mean_  something for the galaxy. Let peace be ushered in, even if her own personal life must be offered up to upheaval.

She feared the fulfillment of that wish even as she made it.

Rey sent everything she was out into the Force, desperately hoping that it would reach and surround and strengthen the father of her child… the man who was her  _everything._

"Please let him come home," she whispered.

Luke and Leia only hugged her harder.

* * *

_**Past** _

"What's that sappy look on your face for?" Rey inquired, only semi-teasingly. She was honestly curious as to what was making her friend look so happy. He was far happier – at least in a different way than he'd been in the past – than she'd ever seen him.

Finn flushed, a rose tone heating through his cheeks. "Poe and Jess ganged up on me," he let out on a sigh.

Rey tilted her head, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "Oh did they now?" She knew exactly what he meant – she'd been watching the two pilots circling her best friend for weeks now, and had watched their interest grow from the moment Finn had woken in the hospital months ago – but she wanted to hear it from his own lips herself. She was surprised they'd finally made a move, though she was very happy they had.

"They… kissed me," he whispered, blushing even further as he slanted an uncertain glance towards his first friend.

"Details!" Rey exclaimed, clapping her hands together. "They finally did it!"

"Well, Poe and I were practicing our hand to hand, and then he had me pinned and then Jess was there and – wait, you knew this was happening?" Finn cast an accusing glare in her direction. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Rey only smiled in response, and then tugged him up and away towards the supper Jessika had worked long and hard on all day in celebration of her and Poe's new relationship with Finn.

Rey was happy enough for her friends that for once she was able to shunt aside the flashing golden eyes that were haunting nearly every waking – and sleeping – moment. Every breath she took these days, every moment – she was thinking of  _him_.

And she couldn't stop.

* * *

Kylo – no, he was  _Ben_  now, he reminded himself; he should have  _always_  been Ben – watched the young woman's face avidly, intently, as she slept. The play of emotions across her features was more honest in sleep, it seemed… or it could simply be that he was seeing her with new eyes.

He was seeing a lot of things with new eyes.

It was a lurching feeling, and he was having trouble controlling the anxiety and absolute  _guilt_  that was lurking just below the surface of his mind. Watching Rey's features was the only thing that was keeping him from getting lost in his past. In the things he had done, even if it had been under the control of—

Ben scrunched his eyes shut, so tight that he could see a quick flash of white behind his eyelids. He held them shut for a moment, and breathed deeply, trying to meditate away the thoughts that were trying to pull him under.

But even the meditation was a problem – his mind was telling him he knew how to meditate the way that Luke had taught him, but the Force was slipping from his grasp, dancing just out of reach, seemingly unsure of who he was. It was in turns welcoming, as if he were an old friend, or a lover even… and in turns it treated him like it was scared of him. It was confusing, but Ben was starting to realize that it was because his mind was having trouble settling on the Light or the Dark side of the Force. Sort of like his mind knew what it wanted, but the… muscle memory was a close enough approximation… of using the Force remembered something completely counter to what his mind wanted.

It left him reeling.

Huffing out a breath, realizing that he wouldn't have any luck calming his thoughts that way, he opened his eyes so that he could relax as he watched Rey's even, deep breathing—

—and met the woman's open gaze.

She was frozen, unsure… but not  _afraid_. He was unbelievably grateful for the fact, and he hadn't even known that was what he wanted from her until she gave it. He had fallen asleep in her arms the night before, her touch soothing him in ways that he hadn't experienced since his… since his  _mother_  had rocked him to sleep as a child. It was the same – yet oh so very different. It was addicting, and he wasn't sure if it was because he was being touched compassionately for the first time in close to a decade… or if it was because it was  _Rey_  touching him.

If he were honest with himself, he was a little scared to find out which it was.

Realizing the silence was stretching long between them, Ben finally cleared his throat, and muttered gruffly, "Good morning."

Rey blinked once, and then sat up suddenly, her presence looming large as she invaded his space – he was sure it wasn't on purpose, however – the blanket he'd pulled from the packs and placed over her during the early hours of the morning falling to pool in her lap.

Ben shuffled back a little bit, and Rey looked pained. She reached her hand out towards him, startling Ben from his thoughts as he stared at her hand, only inches away from his arm.

She let it fall into her lap, and then smiled shyly up at him – no, not shy,  _embarrassed,_  he realized sadly – as she whispered, "Morning."

Before he could question himself, he reached forward and pulled her into his arms, her legs sprawling out to the side as she fell against his chest and was wrapped tightly against it. "No," Ben bit out – but not harshly – "Don't do that." Realizing he wasn't being clear, he clarified quickly: "You can touch. I… I know how important it is to you, and how you get to do it so  _rarely_."

He desperately tried not to think about how rarely  _he_  had been touched in the many previous years. But it was impossible, especially when—

"What did you say?" he queried, pushing her away from his chest a little.

She was silent a moment, but then she met his eyes and spoke clearly, "I…" She diverted her eyes momentarily, guiltily, and then met his gaze once again, stronger this time. "I said, before I could think, 'Why do you care?'" She rushed to continue before he could interject anything. "But then I realized that I don't  _know_  you anymore. I… I knew Kylo, in your…  _his_ … own way. I saw the memories in his mind, and it let me know who you…  _he_  was. It's… oddly impressive that even  _then_  I didn't realize it was all a fabrication." And here, she pushed herself forward and wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him desperately against her sleep-warmed body. Her face was upturned, and her next words puffed air against the skin of his neck, making him shiver delicately. "But you're not  _him_  anymore. I know some of who you are,  _Ben_ , but… but hearing about you, even seeing you through the eyes of your mother, your uncle…" She squeezed him tighter for a brief moment, and his eyes started to tear up – because of the  _compassion_  he could hear in her voice, and sense in her body language.

"…It doesn't matter what I was shown, what I heard, what I saw for myself within your mind," she continued, "Because that wasn't  _you_  showing me, telling me. You deserve every chance to prove who you truly are."

Ben was silent, breathing deeply and only realizing he was stroking his hand steadily and surely up and down the column of Rey's spine after he had been doing it for a good while. He pulled her in tighter against him, the one hand continuing its stroking motion – it was calming him more than anything else he'd been able to do for the last few hours – and the other threading its way into the hair at the base of her skull. He bent his head and pressed his face into the cloth and skin at the juncture of her neck and shoulder. He breathed in – her scent wrapped around him, soothing him – it was… she was  _peace_.

"Why?" he finally uttered, voice barely above a whisper – but he was sure she heard him. How could she not, with him so close?

She was silent for a long minute as well, letting the silence suffuse the space around and between them. But it wasn't an awkward or fraught silence. It was peaceful, just as much as she was. He was  _sure_  it was because of her.

Having given the answer its proper due, he was sure, Rey finally spoke against his chest – muffled, but filled with absolute conviction.

"You deserve a chance to be more than what you were."

He was  _certain_  that she wasn't speaking solely about him.

* * *

They moved around each other slowly, always aware of where the other was. They were silent, and yet they were still learning a great deal about the other just by being near.

* * *

Later that evening, by the light of the gas lantern that had been carefully packed among the bags, Rey watched as Ben walked to the edge of the river. He'd left Rey practicing hand-to-hand combat forms by herself, but she had finished not too long ago.

She watched, silently moving towards their packs as she did, as he reached down to lift the hem of his tunic and pull it over his head. She should have looked away – she was no stranger to being viewed by unwanted eyes – but she  _couldn't_. That first glimpse of scar tissue,  _blazing white_  even against the paleness of his skin, held her captive, unable to remove her gaze.

It was a large mass of scar tissue on his lower left-hand side, which Rey knew immediately was from the bowcaster injury, but Rey's eyes were nearly immediately pulled away by the bright red raised flesh of a new scar—

—of  _many_  new scars. His back and shoulders had an even spacing of raw-looking, puffy straight lines across the flesh, overlaying ones that looked progressively older. They were…

She knew exactly what they were. Intimately so.

They were lash marks.

Rey looked away.

* * *

He knew. He knew she'd seen him at the river while he was cooling off after his own workout, washing the sweat from off of his body.

But he couldn't be mad at her. He would have been curious, himself. It was hard not to be, especially when she had taken curiosity and adventure as a child and put it to good use as a scavenger—

The very idea heated his blood. He couldn't think like that, and so he spoke, sharing something about himself so as not to focus on how  _unfair_  her childhood had been. He didn't even stop to think to hide it from her – not when they had shared  _everything_  about who he was already… and when he knew much about her already, even if it had been gleaned when he was… when he was  _him_.

"I did it to myself," he said softly – the first words that had been spoken since that morning.

She looked up from her meditation, eyes soft but slightly confused. She hummed and tilted her head.

He smiled at the casual gesture, then his expression returned to normal as he clarified, "The marks on my back – I did them to myself."

She was across the space, behind him, and lifting up the hem of his shirt before he knew it – she could move  _fast_  – and then her hands were upon his skin, cool flesh calming the ragged nerves of the battered skin beneath her touch.

He sighed; her touch was so… so…  _everything_ , he was quickly coming to realize. She was peaceful, kind, glorious, skilled, experienced, and yet so innocent and  _addictive_. Oh.

Oh—

"Why did you  _do_  that?" she asked plaintively, her voice nearly slipping into a shocked whine.

And she  _cared_.

He closed his eyes, reveling in her touch but also attempting to calm himself. He gathered his strength, and then twisted around so that he could frame her face with both of his hands. They  _dwarfed_  her cheeks, and she looked so…  _sad_.

"I…" he started, and then cleared his throat, looking away from the unhidden emotion within her eyes. "I needed power, and the dark side always gets what it wants, however it can get it." He met her eyes briefly, and then closed them before resting his forehead against hers, thumbs slowly sweeping across her cheeks. "Before  _Starkiller_ , I'd begun experimenting in different ways to obtain what the dark side wanted. And when I was injured, when I was fighting… you—" He flinched slightly at the memory, mind carefully shying away from what  _else_  had happened, "—I was able to access so much more of the Force when injured. It… well, it didn't help much that day, as hurt as I was," he admitted with a mixture of ruefulness and wryness, "But it opened up a train of thought in my mind, and once I healed from the fight I started to…"

He didn't need to finish his sentence. She knew what he was implying, and there was no need to voice what he had done – had been doing to himself for over a  _year_.

Rey reached up and placed her own hands on his cheeks, continuing to press her forehead against his. Ben wasn't sure how long they held the position, peacefulness and calm surrounding them in ever-increasing quantities as time passed in a way he couldn't keep track of.

Eventually, Ben could feel Rey reach out with the Force to turn both of their lanterns off, and then she pulled him down to the ground with her, wrapping her arms around him and letting him rest his head on her shoulder.

He'd never felt safer.

* * *

She woke to Ben's fingers on her throat, and she stilled, going on alert immediately at the touch.

It reminded her of the way he'd – that  _Kylo_  had – been choking the life out of her the night before last. But that thought reminded her that it was no longer Kylo behind those startled and upset brown eyes. She reached up and caught his hand, pulling it back to rest his fingers against the notch at the base of her throat. "It's okay," she rasped.

Only after she spoke did she realize just how bad her throat had gotten. She supposed it made sense, since she hadn't been healed after the incident, and they had barely spoken to each other the day after that, and bruises could take that long to make their presence fully known.

She let go of his hand and instead let her fingers feather across her swollen flesh to assess the damage. It wasn't permanent, at least.

"I tried to heal you," he admitted brokenly, and Rey's heart broke  _for_  him, with him, at everything that implied. "They weren't really noticeable yesterday, and then it was dark, and then the light this morning allowed me to see and I  _just couldn't heal you_ —" He cut himself off with a choked gasp.

"It's okay," she said again, eyes catching and holding his.

Slowly, she reached her hand beneath his sleep-rumpled tunic, and found one of the freshest scars. She pulled his mind tight against hers, twining them together within the Force, and  _showed_  him the little she had learned from Leia that she had then made her own.

The wonder and gratitude in his eyes, the tears slipping from their corners as he brought his hands up to her neck, pressing her back into the ground with a sob as he  _healed_  her bruised and swollen flesh—

—It wrenched a sob from her newly-mended throat.

How could she  _not_  cry? How could she not cry for the man who was relearning who he had been?

* * *

They lapsed once again into silence, mere words not adequate enough to describe what they were feeling.

Instead they  _showed_  one another, minds still wrapped together much as their bodies were. Legs twined together, arms around torsos, heads upon shoulders.

They took comfort in each other's simple presence, two damaged souls who had been so lost without touch.

Two damaged souls who were learning to  _be_  again.

* * *

It was like they knew each other as well as themselves, now. They had no secrets between them, though they both carefully skirted the parts of the other's mind that were becoming increasingly…  _pulled_  towards the other.

There were some things that were best respected.

* * *

He woke in the middle of the night. She had been awake for a while, but had been breathing slowly as she explored her feelings for the man who was curled on his side, pushed up against her arm.

They were confusing, and she was getting nowhere, and it was practically a relief to have the man lock up and then jolt out of his sleep – a nightmare, if she had to guess.

He slowly pulled away from her, mind  _and_  body.

"Ben, what is it?" she asked softly, not wanting to startle him. "It's okay; I'm here. I've got you." She reached out towards him—

He flinched away.

"What's wrong?" Rey queried.

Ben shrunk in on himself. When the silence had stretched on too long, his quivering only increasing as time passed, Rey leaned forward once again, hand extending slowly.

"Don't touch me!" Ben cried out, flinging himself backwards, hiding his face behind his hair and hunching his shoulders to the side and away from her. "I don't deserve your touch," he mumbled, too broken to cry, it seemed.

"No, no… No, Ben," she murmured soothingly, keeping her distance lest she startle him again. She knew his mind now; knew who he was even if  _he_  did not.

"You deserve everything, Ben," she continued softly. "You at least deserve a blank slate."

"But I'm  _tainted_ ," he whispered.

"You're  _not_ ," she growled, and then lunged forward and pushed him against the ground. "You're not, and I'll not hear you say anything else of the sort. Do you  _understand_?" The last was spoken into the base of his throat, firm words to match the way she was firmly pushing as much of herself against him as she could.

She'd discovered quickly that she liked to hug with everything she had. She liked to be held back the same.

As did he. Ben slowly, tentatively, brought his hands up to curl into her unbound hair. He rubbed his large palms against her scalp, soothing her as much as himself with the touch.

He liked to touch more than he liked to  _be_  touched when he was feeling anxious, scared…  _lost_.

And she loved to let him.

"You're not tainted, Ben," she repeated, trying to convince him of the truth of it all – the truth of everything she felt for him.

For she'd come to love this broken man, before he even knew that he was broken. She'd seen the pieces of who he had been, who he could have been, and seen that he could be those things once again. She had come to  _love_  him somewhere in the midst of all of his broken pieces, and was mesmerized as he – and  _she_  – put himself back together around her.

Protecting her.

Protecting she that bound together everything that he now was.

He had shown her that without her interference he would've been nothing but an empty husk, filled with the hate of an evil man.

Instead…

"You're right," he murmured against her hair. "You're  _right_."

* * *

"I have to go," Ben said when she woke. He was by the packs, dividing items between the two. He wouldn't meet her gaze.

"So soon?" she asked, saddened by the thought.

He cast a small smile her way. "I know. I…" He looked away and then back again just as quickly. "I wish I could stay, but I  _need_  to start setting some things in motion."

Rey was quiet for a moment, catching sight of and staring at the rope ladder that was slowly unwinding down the cliff face instead of staring at the man she did not want to let go of.

"Are you sure you don't want to come back with me?" Rey asked quietly, hopefully, after a long minute of silence.

Ben was quiet for nearly as long. Then, "I have some ideas, and I need to see how plausible they are, and…" He huffed. "I can't leave my men and women under Snoke's thumb; not if I can help it. Not if I can do something about it and I still draw breath. I  _need_  to fix this, to—"

"Right your wrongs – yes, I  _know_ , Ben," Rey finished for him. "But I don't want you to—"

He was at her side in three large steps, cutting off her sentence before she could finish it. "I don't want you to either, Rey," he said seriously, wrapping her in his arms and pulling her face into the crook of his neck – his favorite way to hold her, she'd learned. "You mean so much to me, even though we've known each other for so little time. I don't want you hurt, but I know I can't stop you from fighting. And I need to fight, too, Rey. I  _need_  to."

Rey clutched him tighter, then whispered against his chest, "Will you at least meet with your mother and uncle?"

He was shocked; she could tell from the way he had tensed, but he answered her immediately,  _desperately_. "Yes.  _Please_."

He pulled away from her and ducked down slightly, meeting and capturing her gaze, forcing Rey to see in his eyes everything that he could not put into words.

She felt the same.

Threading her fingers in his hair, she tugged him towards her, driven by her own desperation as she captured his lips. She crushed her body up against his, and within moments he'd wrapped himself around her, pressing himself right back against her from shoulder to thigh. He returned her desperate kiss, trying to tell her with his lips and body everything that his eyes couldn't. Everything that his words couldn't.

Exhilaration swept through her, burning the sadness and despair and anger and worry out of her system and replacing it with arousal and  _love_  and desire and  _connection_ , as deep and as vivid as anything she had ever experienced. She threaded her hands even more deeply into his thick head of hair, and then opened her mouth even more, slanting her lips so that her tongue had better access when it plundered his mouth.

And plunder she did. His lips parted against hers on a gasp, and she took the opportunity to stroke everything she could with her own tongue, trying to infuse everything she was feeling into her actions; to show him how much she worried, cared,  _loved_. To show him that she wanted him to be safe in her arms and that she wished she could be there for him as he was embarking on this journey with him as he went to—

Ben had slowly taken over the kiss as her mind had swept her away, thoughts and feelings flooding everything until she was crying as his lips moved softly, gently against hers. He softened the kiss even further until their lips barely ghosted against each other, and then he pulled away from her with a soft sigh.

She wasn't sure what the sigh meant, what emotion it held – her mind was too lost to a sea of her own emotions. Her crying had subsided to where only a few tears were leaking from the corners of her eyes, but she could not contain them more than that.

She didn't want to say goodbye.

Apparently, neither did he.

He pressed a kiss against her forehead… and then he was gone, his lithe form gracefully climbing the ladder.

Rey sat down with a thump, eyes wide but not seeing a thing as she tried to process everything that had happened over the last three days. Even if she hadn't known how she truly felt about him until now, it wasn't truly a surprise. She could admit to herself, now at least, that she had been falling in love with him slowly as she learned more and more about who he was – who he had  _been_ , at least. Who he'd been as Kylo Ren was not who he truly was beneath the false memories that were clouding his mind – and when she'd woken up to the face of Ben, instead of Kylo, the morning after their mental battle… it had been as if she were seeing an old  _friend_ , not a stranger.

It felt as if she'd known him for decades… and wasn't that a confusing concept to wrap her mind around. She wasn't sure how he had come to love her – or as near as could be so as to not make any difference – but perhaps… perhaps there was something to be said about the first kind touch in years, mixed in with what he had gleaned of who she was over the two years since  _Starkiller_  and the first mental battle that had occurred between them.

_Perhaps_.

One thing was for sure, however; something that went far beyond the simple struggles of feelings and emotions: the war would be taking a decidedly different course from this moment on.

Even if the enemy didn't know it until the final moment. Even if they didn't know it until they were staring their own death in its eyes.

_She loved him_.

Yes, that too.

And  _he_  loved  _her,_ for whatever reason that may be.

She had no easy response to that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again everyone! Here's a new chapter of War. :) Thank you to Annaelle for the wonderful beta work, as always! I've also updated Mitzvah and Haze, in case you missed that! My brain is on fiiiiiire. In a good way.
> 
> I also know that some people have expressed a bit of confusion at where and when some of these scenes take place, so I'm going to try and go back and see if there's a way to achieve that which I'd be satisfied with.
> 
> For this chapter it starts just under two years before the events of the 'Present' attacks across the First Order. Hope that helps a bit!
> 
> Have a great weekend all! xoxo

_**Past** _

Breathe.

Just  _breathe_.

Ben stared at the helmet in his hands.

It was almost like it was staring back at him with a will and mind of its own.

It was… it was  _awful_.

What in the stars had made him create such an ominous mask, and instill in its creation darkness so deep his stomach roiled as soon as he came within a few feet of the blasted thing?

_Snoke_.

That was what had made him create it.  _Who_  had made him create it.

And he needed to be stopped.

Ben breathed in again, clenched his eyes shut, and then let the breath out as he donned the mask of Kylo Ren once more.

* * *

The first time he'd stepped onto the  _Finalizer_  again after having left Rey— _no, don't think of her, you can't afford to think of her now or you'll crack_ —two days before, he'd nearly crumpled under the distress surrounding him in the Force.

Only Savat's brief touch of her elbow to his had saved him from revealing everything in that very moment. Yes, he had been prone to violent tantrums before, but this would have been… well, it would have been something else entirely to see the  _great and evil_  Kylo Ren fall to the ground and cry.

* * *

"I did it."

Those were the first words out of Rey's mouth when she barreled into Luke and Leia's shared sitting room.

Stunned silence met her before—

Leia broke into tears, soft sobs escaping her lips. Luke looked panicked for a moment but then got up and moved to kneel in front of his sister, gathering her into his arms and soothing her with whispered words.

Over two years ago Rey would have felt like an outsider; an intruder. But now?

Now Rey darted across the room and embraced the woman from the other side, resting her cheek on Leia's back and holding her tight.

"It'll be okay," she whispered. "It'll be okay. I'll make sure it is."

Rey believed every word.

* * *

Jessika glanced at Rey as the young Jedi shut the door to the fridge, a pile of leftovers teetering precariously in her arms. Rey caught the look and laughed as she asked rhetorically, "What?"

Jessika knew something was up. Rey had been secretive for a while now, but it had only intensified in the last month or two, and she was curious. Finn and Poe had noticed as well, even through all of their newfound happiness at being together at last, but Jessika… she just couldn't leave well enough alone. She cared for Rey.

"Where were you?" she asked bluntly, then held up a hand before Rey could protest. "Look, I know you have to keep things secret, so never mind the where—are you okay? You're being safe, right?"

She tilted her head slightly to the side as Rey's tanned skin reddened slightly.  _Curious_ , she thought.

"Yeah… uh, I'm okay. I just. Um, we're trying to get some information that could, could—" Rey mumbled.

_Interesting._

Jessika took pity on the younger woman and smiled in a way she'd learned from Poe early on in their relationship—completely disarmingly. "It's okay," she added. "I get it. I'm just glad you're okay."

Rey smiled tentatively back, relieved.

"You'd tell me—tell  _us_ —if you weren't though, right?" Jessika pressed.

"I…" Rey swallowed, and she looked like she was about to cry. "Yeah. Yeah, I would—will. I will. Thank you."

Jessika took half the pile from Rey and turned towards the counter, letting the other woman compose herself without prying eyes.

* * *

Ben began to unravel the minds of his Knights immediately. He traveled to their ships under the guise of inspections that he conducted every quarter anyway, even if it was a month earlier than he had been scheduled to do so.

"Surprise inspection," he had shrugged to Hux when it was pointed out to him.

As if he weren't fully aware of what he was doing.

And as he traveled… if he took a detour here and there… well, it was no business but his own.

Sometimes it paid to be powerful.

* * *

"Rey?"

"Hm?" Rey opened her eyes and squinted against the sun shining from behind Luke.

He crouched down beside her, pushing a strand of her hair behind an ear. "You're blocking me out, little one. You're blocking us  _all_  out," he reprimanded gently.

She blinked a couple of times and then smiled apologetically at him. "I'm sorry, Luke. I've just been… I have too many emotions swirling around inside of me and I… well, sometimes it's easier just to push them down." She paused, then widened her eyes. "Only temporarily though, I promise!" she hurried to reassure him.

"I know. And it is," he agreed solemnly, as if he understood.

No, she  _knew_  he understood.

* * *

Ben threw off his helmet and gloves as soon as he broke through the first of his Knight's mental blocks. He gripped Nova's face between his two large palms and swiped futilely at the tears coursing down her cheeks.

"No, no, no, are you okay Nova? Please tell me you're okay. You're  _going_  to be okay, I promise," he fretted. He pressed his forehead against hers. "I didn't mean to hurt you, please, I know you'll be—"

"Kylo."

He winced at the name, but stilled, and then pulled back so he could look her in the eyes.

She smiled at him through her hiccoughs. "These are happy tears, I promise. Thank you." She closed her eyes, and a faraway look passed over her features. " _Thank you_ ," she whispered.

* * *

The first time he saw Rey again was on a battlefield a half month later, and he pretended he didn't see her 'saber flashing far across the expanse between them. He growled and made a show of anger when he was told about "the girl", and started towards her last known position—but oh so slowly.

He felt the fluttering touch of her mind to his as the  _Falcon_  suddenly screamed overhead before exiting the planet's atmosphere.

Ben opened his own mind to hers as if he were a flower craving the sun, and her happiness at the simple trust he showed her felt like  _home_.

* * *

Ben watched as Oltyn Ren's mother ran across the park of their small village—the very village he had been taken from—and threw herself at the man by his side.

Oltyn had barely stepped out of the ship when she had started to run towards him, and Ben had been able to see every single emotion in rapt detail from where he stood.

Surprise. Trepidation. Fear. Resolve. Joy. Love. Sadness. Love, again.

There was even anger, and Ben knew exactly who that anger was directed at.

He knew all too well, for he felt it as well.

* * *

He shared  _everything_  with Rey. Every time he saved a new mind, every time he reunited a family—or, at least, brought closure to those who had none, not anymore—he shared it all with Rey.

Everything he had was because of her.

Everything he had was  _hers_.

As she was his, she said.

He believed her.

* * *

Leia quietly issued the order to her ranking officers that Kylo Ren was not to be killed. Captured, yes. Killed, no.

If they had anything to say about women and sentimentality for their sons, they chose not to express those thoughts to her face. But she was good at her job, and was slowly and inexorably pushing the First Order back nearly by force of personality alone, it seemed.

They were gaining ground, they were  _winning_ , albeit slowly.

So no one said a word.

They could give her that much, for everything she'd done for the Resistance.

Everything she'd done for the  _galaxy_.

They could reevaluate at a later time if need be.

* * *

The second time he saw her, she was with her friends. The girl, Jessika if he recalled correctly from Rey's stories, walking backwards as she tugged at both of Rey's hands, and Poe with his arm around the former stormtrooper's… around  _Finn's_  shoulders as they smiled at each other.

She didn't know he was there because he had shut himself down so tightly for this mission. As he did before he fulfilled each task Snoke set him to complete.

He kept it that way—he didn't want to taint her with what he had to do.

All to keep his cover.

All for the cause.

All for  _her_.

He held tightly onto the sound of her laughter, wrapping it like a blanket against the numbness and cold of playing his role.

* * *

" _Ben_ ," a voice whispered, and it took everything in him not to startle.

He continued further into the Resistance outpost, making it appear natural when he turned around slowly to look behind him, as if he were looking for someone.

He kept his eyes up and searching even as  _she_  approached and passed him, all without calling attention to the… to the  _enemy_  within their midst.

As soon as he followed her into a room and the door was shut, she was in his arms. Ben breathed her scent in deeply, happy to hold onto the woman for the first time since she had freed his heart, his mind, his  _soul_.

"I missed you," she mumbled into his chest, breaths warming him even through the shirt he was wearing.

"And I you," he replied as he buried his head in her hair. "Being with you through our link is not the same," he grumbled.

"No it's not," she agreed, and then tilted her head back enough that he could capture her lips. It was soft, familiar, and it felt like they had kissed a thousand times—without it ever growing  _old_ —rather than this only being the second kiss.

Only the second time they've held each other, touched each other, since the ravine when she freed him.

He poured everything he felt into the kiss, into her, and she gasped and responded oh  _so_  deliciously, pressing herself more firmly against his front and practically into his arms.

_Oh_ …

Oh, how much he would do for her… He would give her the sun, the stars, the galaxy—he would fight the  _Maker_  if it meant he could keep her from harm…

"Hey," she gasped as she pulled away from him. She narrowed her eyes at him, and he pulled himself upright. "You can't keep me from fighting," she tutted. "Your thoughts are broadcasting so loudly to me I'm surprised I don't have a headache!

All Ben could do was laugh, and laugh, and soon enough she cracked a smile and joined him.

"No, I can't," he said seriously after their laughter died down. "I wouldn't even dream of stopping you."

"Your mother would have your hide!" she returned with mock petulance.

He paused, all thoughts of laughter falling away. "She would," he said seriously.

Rey quieted as well, and then asked after a few moments of silence, "Are you ready to see her?"

Ben's head began to shake before he could even process her question fully, and Rey's gaze softened before she hugged him hard again, burying her face in his chest. "That's okay," she murmured.

They stood like that for long minutes, and then Rey pulled back. "I have to go, I'm so sorry. I was due at my ship over fifteen minutes ago as it is!" She smiled up at him, however, and wrapped his mind even more firmly against her own. "I'll see you again?"

At his silent nod, she pressed her lips against his, her hand lingering at his cheek as she pulled herself back, and then she left the room.

She didn't even ask why he was there.

* * *

Anath gasped and thrashed as he pulled her, inch by inch, from within her memories. Out from the shadows of the false memories, rather.

She was the hardest one yet, even more so than the first, and he knew why immediately.

She had a twin.

The bonds of twins were almost impossibly hard to break, especially those wrought through with the Force. He had seen it time and again between his… between his  _mother_ , and his uncle. Between Leia. Between Luke.

They had been nigh inseparable.

Snoke must have thought they were worth the trouble, and from what he had seen of Anath's fighting skills, he could see why.

And now he knew who her brother was—

"Naseer!" Anath screamed, her voice quaking near the end and trailing off into whimpers. She fell to the ground, clutching her head. " _Naseer_ …"

She cried until she had no more tears left, and Ben let her. He had seen into her mind enough to know that she would not tolerate sympathy from anyone except her twin.

Finally, she looked up at him through the fall of her now-tangled black hair, eyes rimmed in red from tears and exhaustion.

"Where is my brother?" she asked with a deadly calm.

Ben did not even blink. "We can find him together, Anath," he said as he extended his arm towards her. "I will help you, if you will let me."

Satisfaction and happiness—and a deep and  _desperate_  desire to see his mother and uncle, more than ever before—welled up within him as she took his hand and let him pull her to her feet.

* * *

The more Knights he saved and pulled from the darkness, the safer he himself felt.

He wasn't alone anymore.

Ben felt a nudge against his mind, light spilling in and mixing with his own muted light.

He smiled. Well, not  _as_  alone.

' _Rey…'_  he said to her, heart to heart.

' _I'm always with you,'_  she replied softly.

' _I know.'_

He could just  _picture_  her smile, and he couldn't help but to smile in return.

No one around him on the bridge could tell.

Well, perhaps there were  _some_  good things about the mask.

* * *

Not all of his Knights could be saved. Some had nothing within their minds to be saved from.

He made sure to be careful of those, and passed on the information to Rey, so that she could be careful as well.

He didn't know what he would do if she got hurt.

* * *

They spent every spare hour they could together within their minds.

And in their dreams, it was as if they had never parted.

It was as if they had become  _one_ , and he never wanted to stop  _being_  one.

* * *

"They cannot be saved. There is nothing to save them from but themselves; from their own darkness."

Mathas and Kara Ren looked up at him from where they were sitting, and he could  _see_  the agony written upon them both with his eyes and through the Force.

"Are you sure you cannot save our bond-brothers?" Kara asked quietly, just to be sure, and Ben did not fault her for questioning him.

Sometimes he even questioned himself.

Ben knelt in front of them and held onto a hand from each of them. He stared them in the eyes, tears gathering at the corners of his own, and answered them with all the gravity that he could. "I'm sorry Kara. Mathas. Your bond-brothers are lost to you. I am  _truly_  sorry. All I can promise you is that Snoke will  _pay_  for what he has done."

And he would—oh he  _would_. Ben would make sure of it. Rey would, too.

It was a start, at the very least.

Mathas hid his face in his bond-sister's hair, his shoulders shaking. Kara breathed in deeply, clenched her eyes shut, and then said, without a shadow of a doubt: "We will stay here so that they do not suspect anything."

"He will pay," Mathas growled, face still hidden.

Ben nodded, and shut his own eyes to offer prayers to the Maker. "He will pay," he intoned.

* * *

Ben stared into the screens around him, weeks later, careful of his next words. He was sure that these transmissions could be broken into, though who would dare…

No. He knew who would dare. It was better to be safe.

"You remember the orders I gave you in person, yes?" he asked.

There were nods and murmurs of assent across the dozens of images displayed as holograms surrounding him. He made sure to turn slowly, eyes meeting each and every one as he did so.

Only those trusted were here. Only those whom he'd been able to save from Snoke's rapture.

"We'll meet in a week at the location I will send to you. Then we can see… where we are at."

They all nodded once again.

"I'll see you there."

* * *

Rey startled as the first Force signature revealed itself, quickly followed by a number of others, some cloaking those without power in addition to themselves. They were all Force and life signatures that she did not recognize, and she desperately tried to still her fingers where they drummed against her thigh. She looked up just in time to see a shadowy figure let itself into the cave complex where she was meeting with Ben and his Knights.

She would be meeting them for the very first time, and she was nervous.

_Why_? she asked herself. It wasn't like she had anything to prove to them—did she?

But no… the way that Ben had spoken to her about them through their link, the things he had shared with her in their dreams, in the minds, about these people as he had gotten to know them again, more and more, as he helped to unravel everything Snoke had done to them… It was like they were  _family_.

And yet, did they really know  _her_?

"Rey?"

She blinked. Lost in her thoughts, the Knights had been able to approach her. Foolish— _foolish_! They could have attacked her, killed her, during her inattention!

Quickly regaining control of herself, she smiled at all those whom she recognized from Ben's shared memories. They were all there, even Ben, his signature muted as he met her gaze from the back of the lit cavern where he stood beside a smiling Savat. Rey smiled, sending affection his way, and feeling it returned right back at her.

"Yes?" she replied finally, after sweeping her gaze over the lot of them.

A woman in well-fitted combat gear, guns strapped to her thighs, stepped forward, tugging a scarf down from off of the lower half of her face, and held out her hand. As soon as Rey went to take the proffered hand, murmuring, "Hello Cisley," as she went, the dark-haired woman reached forward and pulled Rey into a hug.

"Well met, sister, and thank you," the older woman whispered into her ear.

Rey buried her face into the woman's long locks, hiding her tears as the other Knights—as her and Ben's  _family_ —gathered around her to offer their own greetings and thanks.

She felt safe. Whole. At peace.

She felt  _complete_.

More than ever before.

* * *

"Are you ready?" she asked.

"No," he replied. "No, but I need to do this anyway."

She held his large hands between her smaller ones, rubbing over his knuckles softly as she attempted to soothe him.

It helped. Oh, how it helped, and he wished he could stay here like this, with her, forever. Forget the war, forget the pain, the suffering, the…  _darkness_.

But—

No. That was not him.

That was not  _her_.

She made him more than he'd ever been before.

He made him want to  _be_  better.

Ben stood, kissed her soundly on the lips, and left before he lost all courage.

* * *

Staring at the wall in her and Luke's sitting room, Leia was barely able to control her breathing. It had been years since she had a problem like this, and she mentally harangued herself for the weakness. She had gone through a long and bloody  _war_  without succumbing to her emotions like this—why couldn't she get ahold of herself now?

She would need every scrap of stability, of nerves, of  _calm_  for this encounter.

Leia Organa was about to see her  _boy_. Her sweet, sweet child, lost to her so long ago…

But no, he wasn't her sweet boy anymore, was he?

No.

He had been changed. Captured and changed, and no matter that he had his memories back now, and no matter everything Rey said about who he was now in the two months since he had returned to reality, she had to acknowledge the fact that the experiences had  _changed_  him.

He was a different man now.

She had to believe it was for the better, but she also had to prepare for the worst.

This mother could not afford to let her son down again.

She simply could  _not_.

She breathed in, held it, and was about to release it when—

"Mother?"

Leia whirled around, hand flying to cover the soft gasp escaping her lips, all thoughts of composure simply  _gone_.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some tears...
> 
> (Thank you, Annaelle, as always, for the excellent betaing. You're amazing. Have a great weekend all!)

**_Past_ **

"Mother?" Ben queried tremulously, his heart leaping into his throat.

He couldn't help the word slipping past his lips as soon as he'd pushed the door open, his first glimpse of the woman who had borne him, birthed him, cared for him,  _loved_  him… his first glimpse of Leia Organa in  _years_  causing him to lose the thin veneer of control he had crafted so carefully around his innermost self in preparation for this meeting.

Control he'd crafted out of fear, in case she hadn't wanted anything to do with the monster he had become.

But he had forgotten who Leia was.

More than a senator, more than a general, more than a woman, more than a  _person_ —

More than all that, Leia Organa was a  _mother_.

_His_  mother.

He had underestimated her once again.

Ben's face crumpled. " _Mama_ ," he whispered brokenly. "Mama, I'm so  _sorry_."

And with that, his knees gave out, and he collapsed to the floor. But she was there—she was there to catch him before he could fall all the way.

Just as she had done so many times before.

"No, no, baby Ben,  _no_ ," his mother sobbed into his hair, her small frame wrapping itself as tightly around him as it possibly could even as it shook with the force of her sobs. "No, sweetheart, it wasn't your fault. There's nothing to be sorry about— _nothing_. I  _promise_." She shushed him even as she cried, and then started to murmur a litany of words that Ben remembered so  _vividly_ —at least  _now_  he remembered—from his childhood, an Alderaanian prayer to the Maker for the safety of its children.

" _For in your hands guard safe my child,_  
To keep from harm both strong and mild.  
For once they grow their parents weep,  
No longer there to watch o'er sleep.  
Love them for us, love them all,  
So that they may never suffer fall."

Ben finished the litany with Leia, his voice breaking on the last word, and then quiet descended over top of them. It filled the room, and even their harsh breathing had quieted to the point that Ben could barely hear a whisper of air.

"Ben, my baby," Leia broke in, her words barely above a ghost of a whisper—but he could hear her, close as her mouth was to his ear. "Ben, I'm sorry I let you fall. I'm  _so sorry_."

Ben pulled back immediately, his large palms reaching up to frame his mother's face in both hands. " _No_ ," he stated firmly, with complete conviction. "There was  _nothing_  you could have done. Mama,  _listen to me_ —are you listening?" He waited until she nodded, her eyes wide, cheeks shining with tears. "Mama, it  _wasn't your fault_. There was nothing—nothing at all that you could have done. He was there, whispering in my ear for years without even me knowing he was there, and then when I wouldn't succumb to him voluntarily he  _took_  me, and he was so powerful— _so powerful_ , Mama—that there was no way I could resist him. He  _took_  and only gave false memories and illusions but they were so  _real_ , Mama, oh  _Mama_ , they were  _so real_  that I had no idea that I never wanted anything to do with what he was offering. It wasn't your fault, I  _promise_  and—"

He came up short, his eyes widening as he finally,  _fully_  accepted the next words that fell reverently from his lips a beat later. " _And it wasn't mine_."

And finally, he let the tears come.

But he didn't lower his head to cry. He didn't let his eyes close as the tears coursed down his cheeks. He didn't hide himself from the woman who had seen every aspect of  _him_  as he grew. Didn't hide himself because he  _knew_  that when she looked at him and saw the  _monster_ —that when she saw that, she was seeing  _Kylo Ren_ , not  _Ben_ ; that she was seeing  _Snoke_.

They stared at each other as they knelt, Ben's hands still framing his mother's cheeks as they took in every nook and cranny, every wrinkle and dimple, every laugh line and age line, every gray hair that had appeared since they'd seen each other last.

Leia lifted a hand to comb her fingers tentatively through her son's hair, pulling the locks apart and rubbing a few strands together between thumb and forefinger. "Look what this has done to you, my Ben." He knew she was caught on the few strands of silver that were now weaving their way through his otherwise black hair. She dropped the strands only to trace a fingertip down the thin scar that remained of the slashing wound Rey had given him on  _Starkiller_. Her eyes were wide, tears still slipping down every so often, as she rubbed her thumb over the bottom part that crossed his cheek, where no hair grew now because of the scar tissue.

"Look at you, my son," she whispered.

Finally, she cupped his jaw with her smaller hand, and then looked at him so plaintively that Ben shuddered. A sob was pulled from deep within him, his large frame shuddering, but he didn't let himself flinch away. Instead, the flinch must have shown in his expression, as his mother brought her other hand up between his arms and cupped the other side of his face as well.

"What's wrong, Ben?" she murmured, her eyes peering into his as if she could read his very soul, and her presence in the Force finally reaching out to flutter against his, tentatively.

How could he explain that the way she had cupped his jaw with the one hand, the way she had  _looked_  at him, the way she was looking at him  _now_ , was the same way that Han—that his father, oh his  _father_ , he wailed inwardly—had touched him, had looked at him, had reached out to him… that that was the way his father had touched and looked at him on  _Starkiller_ , on that damn bridge where the first chink in Snoke's rapture had occurred.

_All at the expense of his father_.

How could he ever apologize to his mother for killing the man she loved? Ben couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose Rey, even though he hadn't truly  _known_  her for long—it was unfathomable, and he knew, at least, that he would never want to live without her. So what must that have done to his mother for her to lose the man who had been everything to her, and for so much longer than he'd had Rey? And to lose him to their  _son_?

He reached out towards Rey, his heart and mind racing swiftly towards panic, as he wrenched himself away from his mother's hands, turning his body to the side and hunching over his knees to place his head on the rugs layering the floor. He breathed deeply, but tremulously, as Rey wrapped her mind around his, offering feelings of love and affection and forgiveness and encouragement, showing him without words that it was  _okay_ ; that he would be okay, that his mother loved him, and she  _knew it_  with conviction.

Ben knew it, as well. And yet—

And yet speaking the words, face to face, was something that he had avoided even contemplating over the last months.

Rey didn't push him, simply wrapped her mind around his and offered him strength, and then pulled back to give him privacy once again after he sent his own love and reassurance in return, his breathing slightly calmer. He was ready to—

"Ben, sweetheart," his mother cut into his thoughts, and he stilled, listening but not looking up. "Your father wasn't your fault, either."

His heart felt like it had shuddered to a stop.

She always  _knew_.

His mother always seemed to know  _everything_ , and he wasn't convinced that it didn't have to do with the Force suffusing everything that she was and did. His mother practically  _lived_  and breathed the Force, in ways that he had never seen from another Force user, even his uncle. Even in the stories or archives he had explored.

No matter what it was, Leia Organa had a way of knowing his true self and cutting to the chase.

And with this… Ben had no idea how to respond.

He fell back on denial.

"But he—I  _killed him_ , Mama!" he gasped into the rugs, his hands coming up to cover his head, clutching at his hair and pulling hard enough that he could feel a sting of pain. But he didn't care—

It was  _his fault_.

"I should have known! I should have been able to break through what he did to me as soon as I was given the order to… to…" He couldn't finish the sentence, and instead skipped over the words. "I should have been stronger. Instead he… he thought that I was  _bad_. That I was  _wrong_  and  _dark_  and  _evil_  and—and—"

There was a rushing in his ears, and he couldn't hear anything anymore. He had avoided thinking about kill—kill—

Force, even in his mind he couldn't think the word. Even now.

Suddenly a hand was in his hair and his mind quieted, the rushing in his ears dying down as her fingers rubbed soothingly over his scalp.

She had always been able to quiet his thoughts as a child.

Oh  _stars_ , how he had  _missed_  her.

Why had he stayed away from the light for so long after being freed from the darkness?

And then he felt another hand in his hair. A larger one, and yet still gentle. A hand he hadn't felt in—

Luke's mind brushed against his, opening itself up where it had been locked tight for nearly a decade, their Master-Padawan bond blooming to life and shocking Ben into quietness, into stillness.

"Han knew, Ben," his former master spoke firmly, but quietly. "Han was the one, from the  _beginning_ , who knew there was something wrong with had happened, Ben. Your mother and I are the failures. Because we simply accepted what had happened—or rather, we didn't  _accept_  it, but we didn't look for a reason beyond our own failures as a parent and an uncle, and as a teacher, for missing the signs of you falling to the Dark, and changing allegiances. We never once questioned that it was  _you_  making those decisions, but your father  _did_. It was the reason he couldn't stand to be near us any longer. It was too painful for all of us, and to fight on top of all that…"

"But—"

"No, Ben. I know what you're feeling—" And he  _could_ , Ben realized, as he felt his uncle's feelings of love and forgiveness within his mind. Not as strong as Rey's, more muted, and nothing but impressions and feelings, but… still there. "—and that doesn't make what happened between Kylo Ren and your father worse, the fact that he knew."

His hand soothed through Ben's hair, and his mother's started to move again as well, and slowly they helped to calm Ben's racing, panicking heart. "Because he knew—he  _believed_ —that you were being controlled. That it was Snoke. That it was Kylo Ren and not his boy  _Ben_  who was calling the shots after you were taken from us. I may not have been there but I knew your father, inside and out, and I  _loved_  him, and I know that in that moment, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your father believed his sacrifice would help you come back to us. He was willing— _absolutely_  willing—to give himself for his son, even if the most he could do was put a dent in the armor surrounding your mind, controlling you.  _He believed in you_ , Ben. He  _loved you_. Still does. I  _know_  he does, because there's a piece of him still with me, still with your mother, that will never ever leave—and I know he's with you, too."

And then he flooded Ben's mind with every last bit of love he could bring to bear. Every bit of his love for his nephew, Leia's love for her son, and Han's love. The visceral feeling that came from a shared love for the boy they had raised together and loved so intrinsically. Luke hadn't needed to be in Han's mind for him to know how much the man had loved his boy, his precious Ben. He'd simply had to sit back and observe. And it was  _that_  which he pushed towards his nephew, and that which had Ben's eyes widening, emotions threatening to overwhelm him, but also…

He could finally let go of the guilt he felt.

Not all, but nearly every last bit of it. He released it to the Force, as his uncle had once taught him when he was a boy, and his body shuddered as the weight he had been carrying eased.

Suddenly, Ben threw himself into the arms of his uncle, burying his head in his shoulder and crying, even though no more tears would come. "Uncle…  _uncle_ …" he sobbed. "I'm sorry. I'm  _so sorry_ , but I'm going to make everything right again. I  _will_ ," he vowed through his shaking.

His uncle wrapped him tightly in his arms, soothing his hands up and down Ben's back. "I know," he whispered into Ben's hair, and then pressed a kiss against his nephew's head. "You don't need to, but I know you will. I know."

* * *

Later,  _much_  later, as he was finally leaving— _only for now; I will be back_ , he promised himself—his mother placed a kiss on one cheek, and his uncle on the other.

As they both pulled back, Leia grabbed his hands in hers, squeezing them tight, and murmured "I'd like you to use the Organa name, my Ben, if you'll have it? Rey told us that your old name doesn't sit well with you now, but he wouldn't have minded one bit if you were still a Solo. You still  _are_. But… your grandfather Bail would have been so proud to have you, especially with everything you're doing now.  _I'm_  proud of you. You're an Organa, through and through, and who gives a kriff if it's not by blood. That would have never mattered to father. You're like him in every way that counts, Ben, and I want the galaxy to know it."

* * *

He came to her in the early hours of the morning.

She hadn't been asleep, so Rey had felt him coming, a storm of agony and anger and despair—but also, in turns, joyous and peaceful and  _strong_.

He slipped into her rooms, Rey only able to pick out the darkness of his clothes and hair against the pitch black of her room because she knew what to look for, and when to look for it.

She reached for her covers to push them off and meet him, but he was there before her feet could even touch the ground, pushing her back into the warm comfort of her mattress and pillows, the heat of his body searing her from the front even through her nightdress.

"Are you—?"

But she could barely get the words out before he was shushing her, and a split second later his mouth was slanting across hers, all hot, burning need outside and in as he opened himself fully to their connection.

He let her feel everything he was feeling, and it _consumed_  her.

Consumed  _them_.

There was no peace within them as they came together in a flurry of limbs and emotions, lips pressed against lips and fighting for dominance, hands carding through hair, pulling and tugging in attempts to distract and gain the upper hand.

They clashed together, and yet they were perfect for each other. They fit together so well, all of their jagged pieces matching together, slotting into place in a galaxy where so many things had no home or nothing that could welcome them the same way they could and did for the other.

Everything about them—about  _this_ —was perfect.

Rey gasped, her already-fractured thoughts falling away even further as Ben sunk his teeth into her shoulder, his hands finding the hem of her nightgown and pushing it ever higher up her legs until his large hands could push her thighs apart. He held her down with one hand as the fingers of his other hand found her folds, already starting to swell with the force of her arousal.

Ben dipped a finger in shallowly and growled at the wetness he felt there, his emotions flashing at her in a primal way through their bond at the sensation of feeling her beneath him for the first time in this way. At the feeling of her flesh, so ripe and ready for him, so beautiful, so glorious, a goddess, a wonder, his  _love_ —

Rey gasped as he dragged his fingers to the bundle of nerves that was so very ready for his touch. She had craved this for so long, too long; had touched herself with increasing frequency at the thought of him doing  _just this_ —

"Too much thinking," Ben warned before his lips found hers again, biting and licking and nipping and caressing her lips and tongue and neck and chest and  _when had she lost her nightgown_ —

"Too many clothes," Rey gasped out after a moment, pulling her swirling thoughts in for only as long as it took to get the words out, and then she was tugging his shirt out of his pants, over his head, past his arms—and he  _growled_  at her for his loss of contact with that  _beautiful_  place between her legs, but she made it right,  _so right_ , by pushing his pants down his hips and grabbing his hard flesh between both of her hands at the same time that he gripped her hips, pushing her legs further apart and then was… he was—

And then he slid  _home_ —she was his home, his safety, his net, his comfort, his  _everything_ , his mind threw at her—and everything was right in the galaxy. For that moment, for that night, for  _forever_ , it felt like—as long as he kept doing what he was doing, and never stopped, and he  _didn't_ , chasing the brief flash of pain away as he pushed into her, angling himself to hit the most wonderful of places that she knew, and showed her ones she never knew existed at all, but now she  _did_  and would crave them, crave  _him_  and his touch and everything, everything, she craved him and always would  _forever_  and—

She shattered, body clenching around him, nails raking down his back as her own back arched off of the bed, pleasure coursing through her in ways she had never imagined before, and whiting out her mind, whiting out everything except her connection with Ben. Narrowing her existence down to her pleasure, to herself, to Ben, to his pleasure, to their love, to—

Then he bit down on the spot just below her ear that she  _loved_  and suddenly she was swept away in the force of his own release and she was  _screaming_  as she came for a second time, all thoughts out the window again as her body clenched and tightened around him, the feeling of him flooding her so exquisite that she would happily succumb to this sensation, this loss of control, with him over and over and over again.

Finally they were quiet, except for their gasping, heaving breaths as they tried to regain some control over their bodies—control they had lost in each other, with each other,  _because_  of each other.

Ben held himself over her with shaking arms, pressing his forehead to hers and then pressing kisses everywhere on her face and then finally kissing her softly, languidly, contentedly as she hummed with pleasure and happiness and—

"I love you," she whispered, a tear escaping her eye and trailing down her cheek and into her hair.

It was the first time she'd spoken the words aloud, for him to hear. They had wrapped their minds in love, but had never once said the words to each other.

But it was time for them to take that next step.

He meant  _everything_  to her.

And she to him, she knew. There was longer any doubt, if there ever had been.

He reached up with one of his hands, his thumb drying the spot beneath her eye where the tear had crossed. Ben looked her in the eyes, the room dark but she didn't need that much light to see everything he was showing her with his gaze; every facet of himself there to see just as clearly as it shone within her mind.

"I know," he murmured against her lips, barely brushing over them. "I know, because I love you. You loved me first, and showed me the way from the darkness with your love, and  _I love you too_. For that… and for so much more."

And then he kissed her again, stealing the breath from her once more with the force of his ardor  _and_  of his love.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place starting from about 2 years before the present events, and running close to a year before. I promise I'll add in some time references later. xD For now, this blurb will do.
> 
> Chapter 10 is written, and then there should be two more chapters after that, maybe three. I actually split this chapter into 9 and 10 because things were getting lost with so much information. So 11 may end up split into 11 and 12 as well, with 13 definitely being the last if that's the case.
> 
> We're getting closer!
> 
> Thank you Annaelle for your wonderful betaing, yet again. Good luck on your exams, sweetheart! xoxo
> 
> Also, my lovely Perry_Downing just started a new reylo fic, [Decision](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11824005/chapters/26682030). Go check it out!

_**Past** _

They woke up together, suffused with warmth, wrapped in each other's arms. The light shining through the upper window danced across their skin as they stared at each other. They smiled, they touched, they kissed…

They didn't need words to express what they had found with each other, or what they felt.

They simply  _knew_.

But he couldn't stay forever. He knew that, and she knew that, and his mother and uncle knew that.

So he and Rey kissed each other goodbye, lips lingering on lips, hands lingering in hair, fingers trailing along skin that ached to be touched, again and again and again.

He hugged his mother, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the calloused pads of his thumbs.

He hugged his uncle, in a way that made him feel like he had never stopped being the cherished child that he could now remember being.

And he kissed Rey yet again before drawing his hood up and forward, casting his features in shadow.

It was fitting imagery, he thought, for he was returning once more to the shadowed and desolate halls he now wished to destroy.

He looked back, one last time, as the ramp closed behind him, and caught Rey's eyes with his.

"I will return," he whispered.

She brushed against his mind and let him feel her love.

* * *

And he did, but it was three months later.

Snoke had set him on a task he dare not refuse, thankful at least that he had not had to meet with the monster in person, where he would have been more susceptible to discovery.

So far he'd been able to hide in plain sight, watching the First Order with the eyes of a new man and, though he hated every moment of it, still he watched, still he gathered information, looking forward to the day that they were all working towards.

The day that the First Order would crumble.

It was being worked on tirelessly by everyone he could trust—unfortunately, those were few and far between, and numbered only among his knights and the Resistance, but they were a formidable force to reckon with.

And the best part of it was that no one had noticed them. And wouldn't, ever, if it could be helped.

So Ben played his role as Kylo Ren. He continued to be the enforcer of the First Order, a Commander to be feared and hated—all because he had to.

For Rey.

For his mother.

For Luke.

For his knights.

And for the  _galaxy_. For the trillions of sentients who had no idea what death, destruction, and subjugation awaited them in the event of his failure.

He wouldn't fail them—he  _couldn't_.

When he returned to Rey, it was as if all the light and love in the world was there to greet him when she opened her arms to hold him, to love him, to caress him, to  _heal_  him.

The task he had embarked on for the Supreme Leader had been a hard one, filled with peril and urgency and  _fear_. He had been forced to do things he would never wish on another, and had wished desperately to close himself off from Rey to spare her his pain.

But she wouldn't take no for an answer. They had remained connected, and she had offered him strength and understanding where he had only expected castigation and fear. Fear of  _him_.

"I'll never fear you," she had told him, again and again. "I'm here with you. Be strong. I love you."

And she was. She did.

When they reunited, it was as if everything was right in the universe once more.

* * *

The cycle continued.

Stolen moments interspersed amongst the rising tides of war.

Love found and cherished within a sea of hate and desolation.

* * *

Information began to trickle in. Slowly, at first, and then more and more to the point that the Resistance was always moving. Recruitment was going strong, stronger than ever before.

They were gaining ground where none was to be found before.

Luke and Leia were at the helm, pushing the Resistance to new heights. To new possibilities that had only been dreamed of in the past.

And now they were reality.

The information was always checked and rechecked—the generals and admirals and other commanders of the Resistance were grateful for the help, they knew they were getting it from the inside… but it never hurt to be cautious.

Things could so easily have gone wrong, traps laid, bait placed.

* * *

And sometimes things slipped through the cracks.

Sometimes lives were lost. But they were careful. Plans and back-up plans were always being made, everyone was watching everyone's back.

And when they did go wrong and nothing could be saved…

Well, it was all for the cause.

It didn't mean that it didn't hurt, and Rey, Luke, and Leia became very good at being hurt.

* * *

"How are these rebels staying a step ahead of us?" Hux demanded, slamming his fist into his desk.

They had just suffered the loss of a third weapons cache in as many weeks, the most since the war had begun in earnest.

"There must be a spy. It is the only answer," he growled.

"There are many spies, general," Ben drawled, throwing his feet up onto the other man's desk just to see the glower deepen. "You know this." He kept his mask on, as he nearly always did in the redhead's presence. It wasn't often that he had let the other man see his face before, even under rapture, and now… as Ben Organa… well, he wasn't always the best at hiding what he thought.

Hux leaned forward on his desk, his gaze narrowing at the black-clad Force user. "It must be someone higher up. Someone at the very top. Or near enough to it. Or a  _group_. It is the only explanation for how they know these things; how they're getting access to what they are. There's no other possible way." His voice trailed off, and he tilted his head at Ben. Finally, he pushed himself back in his chair, the better to take in the form of Ben. "Is it you?" he asked, voice edged with danger.

Ben refused to twitch. Refused to react. But no movement would have been telling, also.

Instead he kept his movements deliberate, slow, as he reached up to release the catches on his mask. He pulled it from his head, looking the general in the eye, knowing the man thought that he could always read the great  _Kylo Ren_.

And at any other time, perhaps… but not this moment. Not for something he had prepared himself for already. Not when he could use his knowledge of the general against him.

Ben infused his demeanor and expressions with haughtiness and arrogance, and a cold, hard anger, as if the idea was entirely beneath him.

"It is not I who am in charge of these things,  _general_. They fall under  _your_  purview and it is not  _I_  who will be at fault if they are found to be compromised. In fact, it would only benefit you if someone such as myself were to be blamed." He scoffed, and then narrowed his gaze. "Do not trouble me with your petty power plays, Hux. It is far beneath you."

He refused to let a grin flit across his features as the man's fair skin went red—nearly as red as his hair. It was not a pretty combination in the least.

As he stood up, and before he returned his mask to his head, he frowned at the man. "I will assist you in finding the traitor or traitors, general… for the good of the Order, and for the glory of the Supreme Leader."

He hid his moue of distaste at the phrase carefully until his mask was safely upon him once more.

* * *

"Hux is on to us," Ben told Rey through their bond when he was safely away. "He's at least on to  _something_ , of course, it's not like we've been  _subtle_ , really. But he accused me. Personally. Asked if I was to blame."

"You're still alive, still out of chains, so obviously you were able to allay suspicion for the moment. But you need to be more careful." Concern and worry was pushed towards him, and he basked in the love that it meant. "We need to divert attention elsewhere. Give them a wild chase that leads to nowhere but keeps them occupied. Can we do that?"

"We can," he replied, mind already spinning.

"Good. Now tell me you love me…"

Ben smiled, and could feel that she was smiling right back at him.

* * *

He made sure to get regular updates from his knights. He learned who they were, more and more, as time went by. His days were filled, now—not just with things to do… but with people to come to know, people to help, people to  _care_  for.

* * *

"Black Leader to Blue Leader, come in. Come in Blue Leader."

"Blue Leader here," Rey replied with a grin, her hands deftly on the controls. She'd been flying mission after mission with Poe teaching her the ins and outs of flying as part of a squadron and  _leading_  one, but this was the first one she was flying as her own squadron leader.

And it was  _exhilarating_.

But also intimidating, to have the lives of so many under her care.

Everything would work out okay, though. She knew it. She did. She just had to  _believe_.

They'd been doing this for months now, and success after success was filling the hearts and minds of the Resistance and the rest of the galaxy with hope and excitement and dreams that a future without war and oppression was just over the horizon.

"We are approaching the moon and will be within range in eight-zero seconds. Be prepared to begin your strafing run."

"Copy that," Rey replied. She breathed deep to calm herself, and then flicked a switch so that her own squadron could hear her. "Blue squadron, prepare to begin in approximately six-five seconds on my mark."

* * *

A desperate coming together, teeth on skin, nipping, biting, sucking.

Lips locked against throat, humming, moaning, gasping.

Hands clutching at hips, scrambling over backs, legs, arms.

Fingers tangled in hair, pulling back, forward, clutching hard, hard,  _hard_.

Loving.

Joining.

Again and again and again.

* * *

"They're just… they're just  _children_ ," Rey gasped in horror, coming to a complete standstill in the entryway to the stormtrooper training facility. They had known this going in, but it was one thing to hear, one thing to be told, one thing to see the pictures, and one thing to know…

But it was another thing  _entirely_  to see with her own two eyes.

Finn grabbed her by the scruff of her neck, pulling her to the side in a quick, sharp jerk. He gripped her by both shoulders, pushing her against the wall, one hand still holding tight to his blaster. "Rey! Come on. I know. I  _know_. I know more than anyone what's in there. Don't let it get to you."

Rey was finally able to get her breathing under control, and after another moment she nodded at him once, confidently. "Right. Yeah. I'm sorry, Finn. I'm  _so_ —"

"Don't," Finn cut in, not unkindly.

"Okay." She blinked away tears. "Okay. Let's do this."

* * *

Ben smiled as he watched the general crack under pressure, careful to keep his laughter near-silent as the redhead threw his datapad across the room. It was only the latest in a slew of fits of rage.

Now he understood why people snickered behind his back about his temper.

It really  _was_  rather funny.

* * *

Not everything could go their way, however.

It would have been too much, too much good in their favor.

To keep their advantage, to keep their sources intact, sometimes information had to be passed over, and sometimes ground had to be lost.

Sometimes the unpalatable was demanded of the knights, or of Ben.

Death followed in their wake, for to fail too often would be the final blow to their cause.

They needed this, they needed  _them_ , and until the First Order was slain from within, they would do what was necessary. They would do what was required, no matter what, in order to keep the advantage.

Success came in many forms, and this was the form it took for them.

* * *

But it couldn't go on forever.

They couldn't win the war by gaining ground by inches. It was a pace that would wreak havoc on the bulk of the galaxy before a victor could be declared.

"I have an idea," Rey whispered against Ben's lips early one morning. She hadn't been able to sleep at all, thoughts of the fate of the galaxy keeping her mind spinning. She was tired— _so tired_ —and yet still she couldn't sleep.

She had been keeping care of herself, but the war was wearing thin.

It was wearing thin on all of them.

Even her Ben—perhaps  _especially_  her Ben—was looking gaunt, the horrors of what he was required to do making him hurt more and more with each day.

But maybe now… maybe soon they would be able to rest more easily, knowing that the end was approaching. That there was an end in sight for the war that was ravaging all.

"Do you?" Ben replied gruffly, and then kissed her soundly before drawing back.

"Hear me out…" Rey began, and took great joy in the way his eyes lit up, seeing exactly what she was detailing.

* * *

Leia looked over the top of her reading glasses at Rey, and then smiled, sitting back in her chair and stretching. She removed the glasses, folding them and placing them gently on the desk in front of her.

"And how is my son?" she asked softly.

Rey grinned at the older woman, happiness bubbling out from deep within her. She felt light, she felt free, she felt  _hope_.

"We have a  _plan_."

Leia was all business within moments, pressing her comm to summon Luke, and then steepling her fingers. "Tell me."

And she did.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since apparently I have zero patience whatsoever, have another chapter!
> 
> Set just a little over a year before present events, to... well, you'll figure it out. ;)

_**Past** _

Everyone had their roles. Their intelligence to gather, supplies to prepare, attacks to formulate. They would take their time, make sure their tracks were covered, and be  _safe_  in what they were attempting to do.

Ben didn't wish to lose anyone else, and neither did Rey, especially since they'd all become so close. The knights were like  _family_ , and Rey had never had family before.

They meant the world to her, immediately below Ben, the twins, and her best friends.

So Ben and Rey made sure everyone was careful, laying false leads elsewhere while the knights prepared to attack across the fleet, across the home bases and outposts, all at once.

They could figure out when, later. For the moment, however, they refused to rush it.

The idea was still young, and still needed some fleshing out.

And it was the best hope they had.

* * *

 

Ben ran into her on the battlefield once again. It was one neither of them could avoid, Leia and Luke and the other Resistance commanders agreeing, even with advanced warning.

The Resistance had slowed down in its victories, especially with the eyes of Snoke and its generals now tuned towards finding spies—spies they were sure could be found within the political core of the old imperial powers.

There had perhaps been a bit of a… misuse of the Force to further cement that façade. To make it more  _real_. To make them believe that they truly  _were_  spies for the Resistance, with enough knowledge to tighten the noose around their necks.

There was enough horror ascribed to their names already that none of the knights felt even a twinge of guilt over it.

But here they were, Rey and Ben, following the magnetic pull of each other to a place where they could meet in private—at least for a short while before they must make their presence known elsewhere. Before they had to be  _seen_.

"I wish we had more time—I  _miss_  you," Ben gasped out as he swept her into his arms.

" _So much_ ," Rey was able to get out before his lips crashed against hers, feeling the aching chasm of  _Ben_  in heart being filled once again.

They had seen each other far too little, a handful of stolen nights in person, the rest made up for with near-constant connection between their souls until they were nearly  _one_.

But it would never be  _enough_. Not until they could hold each other every single day, every single night.

They lost themselves in each other for long minutes, frantically pushing and pulling, giving and taking, breaths mingling with breaths, skin sliding against skin, words whispered, words heard—

Rey suddenly threw herself from Ben, pushing him to the side and sending him a soundless command to  _duck_. He obeyed, quickly, trusting her in a way that made her heart nearly stutter with emotion, dodging the blaster shot that had been aimed for them both.

As they rolled to their feet, lightsabers blazing to life, Rey had a single moment to take in the hate-filled and betrayed eyes of one of the knights—but one she was unfamiliar with, one who wasn't  _family_  like the others they had saved—before she made her decision.

A decision that was proven right as she ran him through the heart and he uttered the word " _Traitor_ ," never once taking his eyes from off of Ben.

* * *

Alarms blared through the base as Rey slammed her hand on the switch.

She was on the comm within seconds, announcing to all: "Evacuation protocol. Threat imminent. This is Rey. I repeat, threat imminent. This is not a drill. Evacuate immediately following plan tango-alpha. I repeat, tango-alpha."

She slouched as she turned off her comm, the alarms still blaring around her. They would continue until the base blew, or until they and the charges were deactivated by two concurrent Level Six codes—and only she, Luke, Leia, two admirals, and three commanders had those codes.

" _Thank you_ ," she sent to Ben. "Thank you, so much."

* * *

"We have uncovered the traitors, Supreme Leader," Ben announced as he strode into the audience chamber.

The holo-projection of Snoke flickered, and then steadied as he leaned forward onto his knees. "Good," he hissed, malice dripping from the word—but also satisfaction. "You will bring them to me."

Ben dropped to one knee, bending his mask towards the floor beneath him. "They are dead, Supreme Leader. They killed themselves before we could extract all of the information but we were able to recover enough to—"

"I want every stone unturned,  _boy_. I want their families, I want their coworkers, I want their servants—I want it  _all_. You shall not rest until you have cured this cancer from amongst us."

And with that, the feed cut out.

Ben just breathed, taking long moments to compose himself again.

It had worked.

* * *

Not everyone survived.

And still more wouldn't.

He had lost four knights since they had been saved, but their sacrifices had not been in vain—as trite as that may sound.

He made sure to tend to their bodies himself, flying to each location when he received the call, and making sure that he accompanied their remains to any family they had left. He would allow no one else to assist, except for Rey's ever-comforting presence in the back of her mind.

She was there for him.

 _Always_.

* * *

Poe held Rey in his lap with one hand, the other at the controls of the ship, piloting them with precision from out of the bowels of the star destroyer they'd been held on.

She was unconscious, head lolling against his shoulder, and he was worried. She had been out for hours now, her too-thin frame having shuddered to a stop in the middle of their capture, and not even their captors had been able to revive their great  _prize_.

They had even allowed him, their enemy, to attempt to pull her back into awareness when their efforts had failed.

She had been wanted  _alive_  and in one piece so that they could torture her for whatever information that not even he had.

He had thought all hope was lost, that she had been lost to him—and she  _still_  might be, he reminded himself—when a woman wearing a half mask and a mane of red hair piled atop her head had walked in, taken one look at them, and then left the same way she had come.

Moments later the doors had swished back open, and two medics and an officer were tossed inside unceremoniously—and just as unconscious as Rey.

"There are no recording devices in here at the moment, and the ones outside have been turned off, I promise. These three did not see me… and neither did you. They will believe that she woke and was able to overcome the guards along the way—the ones I will clear for you—as well as turn off the holo-feeds." She had tilted her head to the side, her brown eyes wide and oh  _so_  vulnerable and caring in that moment that he had nearly choked. "Do you understand?"

"I do," he had replied almost immediately, and had chosen in that very moment to trust the woman who was so obviously risking her life for them.

Shaking himself from his thoughts, he engaged the hyperdrive, programming in the latest base's coordinates, before he stepped away, Rey in his arms. "Come on, Rey.  _Come on_. You have to be okay, so that you can tell me about what just happened. She knew you. She  _had to_."

He held her against him, soothing her hair back from off of her face, and prayed to the Maker that she would be okay.

* * *

She'd been absent for too long.

The last things he had sensed from her had been panic, then anger, and then resolution. He had stayed quiet, knowing that he would only be a distraction. But he could offer her strength, and so he did. As much as he'd been able to.

But it hadn't been enough.

Suddenly, her presence had disappeared into a fog of unconsciousness and he had slammed his fist into the wall of his lonely chambers, above his lonely bed.

He was scared.

And he didn't like it.

But he hadn't been able to do anything. Not at that moment. He didn't know where she was, except that she had been taken to a star destroyer for interrogation, along with Poe Dameron, the pilot. Rey's friend. She had an ally, at least, and even if the man couldn't do much…

It was better than what he'd been able to do.

Sometimes he  _hated_  all of this so much that he just wished it would end. That he could throw in the towel, take Rey far away, and keep running if they had to. Forever, if necessary.

But at least they would be together.

Ben paced for another five minutes, and then threw himself towards his data consoles, opening his maps and intel and seeing which of the ships had been near to or in the area where Rey had been before she was taken.

But Savat contacted him first, before he could make much headway. There was so little he could do without tipping his hand, but he had been ready to throw it all away.

Ready to abandon it all to save Rey.

He practically slammed his fist into the screen to accept the call, and sobbed—literally  _sobbed_ —out loud when his second, his  _friend_ , announced, "Your treasure is safely on its way, Lord Ren. It will arrive soon and I expect it to be whole."

"Thank you," was all he could utter. She offered him a small smile but said nothing as she took pity on him and ended the transmission, knowing that her message had been received and understood.

She was  _okay_.

His Rey was safe. She would wake up and be  _alright_  again.

He had only to wait.

And he had everything to repay to his knight— _everything_.

Rey was his everything.

His  _all_.

* * *

Hours later, she woke, and the haziness lifted between them.

She spent the next few hours wrapped tight within him, against him, intertwined with his mind, his soul, his life force.

Until suddenly she was startled, and she pulled away for a few minutes. He held himself back from calling out to her, desperately controlling his instinct to hold onto her, knowing that she would— _trusting_  that she would—come back to him.

And she did.

"Ben…" Even her mental voice sounded hesitant.

Why… why did she sound like that? What happened? "What's wrong? Rey, are you okay? Tell me, please, what's wrong so I—"

"I'm pregnant," she cut in.

His mind stuttered to a halt. " _What_?"

"You heard me," she grouched at him.

"I'll be there as soon as I can," Ben said.

Nothing could stop him.

 _Nothing_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be visiting my grandparents from Tuesday to the following Tuesday. While I don't expect to have much time to write, I'll likely have a [Mitzvah](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10610625/chapters/23463033) update or two ready to go ahead of time. Hopefully one for my Marvel fic, [Cross](http://archiveofourown.org/chapters/26423031), as well. At the very least one Mitzvah update, though! I'm really looking forward to that.
> 
> As usual, with events of late... be safe, please. I care a lot for you all.


	11. A loving message from Juulna

Hello to all of my Star Wars readers, Juulna here, with lots of love and hugs, first and foremost.

I know this isn't the update you wanted it to be, and I'm sorry for that. I know you've all waited a long,  _long_  time for an update—many of you for  _over a year_ —and so I wanted to come here and use what is normally reserved for chapter updates, what is normally frowned upon for author updates (but really, there is no better way to reach all of you, my apologies, dear friends), to tell you why there hasn't been one in so  _very_  long… and why there won't be one in the foreseeable future.

On Tumblr I recently received an ask wondering if I was going to be continuing one of my stories. I answered it at the time, about a month ago, but since then the answer has been on the edge of my thoughts. It made me realize that I really do need to let you, faithful readers old and new alike (who aren't tapped into my Tumblr), know that I just… well, I can't write Star Wars at the moment. It doesn't really even matter what ship.

And you really should know  _why_.

I've attempted to start writing again, and even had that brief period late last summer where I was lucky enough to begin  _I'd start a war for you_ , in fact, and was able to write some other updates for other stories as well. But it soon became clear to me that I was riding the high of literally just leaving my husband. It didn't last for long, as soon reality came sweeping back in, and I was no longer able to hide from the immense trauma that had been caused to my psyche and heart.

Many of you know, but many don't, that there are a lot of really awful memories tied up with Star Wars and my abusive ex-husband (likely hacked and removed my work from AO3, slutshamed me for shipping and writing fic, the list goes on…), as well as with me and the Star Wars fandom and being cyberbullied, both of which contributed to the massive decline in my health, which continues to be an ongoing struggle filled with regular physiotherapy and doctor's visits, constant pain, and sleep that is never restful.

All of that, all of this, got tied up into a rather unpleasant knot inside of me, and it's one I'm still struggling desperately to undo, but I think there's irreparable damage that's been done, outside and inside, and I'll never be able to fully recover. Every time I  _think_  of Star Wars it causes problems and, well, that in itself is a problem, but I can enjoy it as a fan on Tumblr in a way that I just can't even possibly hope to touch on as a writer currently. But I can change trajectory, and thus me starting to write in the Marvel fandom, as there is nothing but happiness and passion there for me, and it's filled with  _beautiful_  and  _loving_ people and memories (well, so far! *knocks on wood*) and even if I'm struggling creatively and physically, it's a safe haven for me in a way that… well, in a way that Star Wars can't be right now.

I may be able to write Star Wars again (I was able to write a little oneshot post-TLJ but even that left a terrible feeling inside me and reaffirmed to me I wasn't ready for more) but it isn't right now. However, I  _can_  say that although some of the comments I've been getting, wondering when I'm going to update, are rude, the others I'm getting on these old, unfinished fics… are actually sorting of stoking the fire again. So it's been a good thing for me, healing in a way (comments always make me happy, even if I'm not going to finish the fic!), and I hope that perhaps someday sooner than I thought, I might be able to feel comfortable enough to write Star Wars again. But not  _soon_  soon. And maybe not  _ever_. Thus… well, thus this message.

But… there is still that spark of hope in me, because these are my  _babies_. I love these stories more than you can possibly know, and the fact that they've been so irrevocably ruined and tainted for me, twisted by a man whom I once loved, who I trusted, and by others who made me feel unsafe in a place that had become like a second home… it breaks my heart, to be cliché. To be fricking dramatic, honestly. But really, these stories meant…  _mean_  so much to me, even still. And it hurts me  _so much_ , not to be able to finish them. But I can't write one word without wanting to start crying right now, and that's going to take a long time to heal from.

Yes, I know, "don't let him take this from you," is something I've heard time and again, and it's something I've told myself many times, and I haven't. Not really. I reposted my stories when he didn't want me to. I started writing again, new stories and updates, before and after I left him, and I've fought tooth and nail for what I have right now. For where I am. But I also need to do what is healthy for me mentally. There is being strong, and then there is being  _too strong_ , pushing yourself past the shattering point, not knowing when to stop. Right now I need to stop. Need to heal. Then... well, then I'll re-evaluate. See what I can do. See how strong I am, what I can handle. I know I'm strong, that's not the question... but, well... mental health is a tricky bitch, eh?

At least the bastard's finally gone. July 4th, 2017, separated. December 22nd, 2017, divorced. Thank God. And thank you,  _every single one of you_ , whether you knew you were doing it or not (simply giving me a kudos, or a comment/review, or a fav/follow/subscription was showing me more love than you know during all of this darkness), for standing by me.

But truly.

 _Truly_.

I understand your frustration, and it makes me really sad and upset, too, believe me—for  _you_  as my reader.

Because I get it. Lord, do I ever. I'm a reader, too, right? Or did you forget? ;) But really… how many times have I read a WiP and then it just… never gets updated? It makes me so sad to have to do that here, at least as it stands right now. I know I always a) wondered what happened next in the story… but also b) wondered if the author was okay.

So here I am giving you my answer to (B)— I  _am_  okay, and will be okay, I promise. ^_^

 **And (A)… if you**   _ **really,**  _ _ **really**  _ **want to know what happens in the rest of whichever story it is you're reading, you can come poke me on Tumblr on the handle 'juuls'.**

I do, at least, have a couple of oneshots, drabbles and ficlets that are complete, as well as one complete multi-chapter Reylo fic called Delicious Ambiguity, if you haven't read it already. I hope that that can sate at least some of you. :P

I know that this was a really long message, and I thank any and all of you who gave this a read. Truly, I appreciate it. I wanted to give you all nothing but the truth and, honestly, I've been putting this announcement off for quite a while, scared to tell you, my readers, about what I see as a failure—even if it isn't.

It's cathartic in a way.

_Thank you for listening._

With all my love,  
Meaghan


End file.
